Dragging

I'm feeling exceptionally tired, so have some survey questions.  Sorry, Robin.

1. Three things I want to say to three different people.

• I am insanely attracted to you and I shouldn't be.  I know nothing will ever come of it, but everyone has their fantasies, right?
• I can't fucking stand you.  You make me ill.  You may very well be the first person that I truly hate.
• I love you, and I'm sorry that I don't show it more often.

2. One of my insecurities.

The fear of not being liked or being rejected by everyone.  I felt this keenly on Saturday before I went on that trip, and even though everyone was glad to see me and give me hugs, I still wonder.....

3. What turns me on.

It varies.  Could be sweet words or actions, could be dirty talk and spankings.  Yay complexity!

4. One of my bad habits.

Eating, eating, eating.  Always that.

5. Who I wish I could be.

Myself, but thinner.  Yeah, I know being thinner won't magically solve all of my problems, but it sure would help.

6. Where I want to be right now.

Not here.  Far away.

7. The last thing I ate.

Scrambled egg whites mixed with spinach and cheese.  Yay healthy food!

8. Sexiest person that comes to my mind immediately.

David Tennant.  Fucking duh.

9. What song I’m currently listening to.

"Tighter" -Fitz & the Tantrums

10. The last time I cried and why.

Probably last week, because of the pains in my stomach and the worry of what it could be.

11. Something I’m excited about.

Going back to work.  Boredom is a motherfucker.

12. 5 things I like about myself and 5 things I dislike about myself.

Do you know how hard it is to list things that I like about myself?  Seriously?  I can't do it.  My mind does not work that way, because I feel like there is nothing redeeming about myself.  This is not a cry for pity or attention or comments to the tune of, "Awwww, but you have this and this and this and this.  You're awesome!"  No, it's the flat out truth on how I feel.

Dislikes

• My insanity.  I have so many mental problems that fuck with me.
• My temper.  I am easily irritated and it takes all of my willpower to bottle it up so the outside world doesn't see it (online is excluded).  That said....
• The way my temper affects my family life.  I unleash it on my husband and son, usually when they don't deserve it.  I feel so shitty and so powerless to stop it.
• My body.  Obvious reasons.
• My lack of willpower.  Also obvious reasons.

13. Three things I want right now.

• To feel better.
• World peace.
• Money.

14. Are you wearing a necklace, who got it for you, where’s it from?

No necklace right now, not even a pearl necklace.

15. How long was your last phone conversation?

About three minutes.  Confirming a doctor appointment.

16. What are you looking forward to?

Getting better, getting back to work, the holidays.

17. Did you get anything off your chest today?

See above in the "likes/dislikes" question.

18. How many rings do you usually wear?

If I'm not bloated like a beached whale, just my wedding ring.

19. Would you rather go to Canada or California on vacation?

As much as I love my Canadian peeps, it's all about California.  I miss that fucking state so much.  I was talking to one of my coworkers about California on the way back from Six Flags.  I fear I talked his ear off about how fucking awesome it is.

20. Are you wearing jeans, shorts, sweatpants or pajama pants?

Just underwear.  I just showered.  Shut up.

21. Do you call it fall or autumn?

I call it "Fautumn".

22. Are you an emotional person?

Um, yes.  I'm sort of glad, though.  When I was on meds, my emotions went away and I was just sort of robotic.

23. It’s 2 in the morning and you get a text message, who is it most likely from?

Someone who wants to fucking die, apparently.

24. Do you like long car rides?

Depends on what the destination will be.

25. Do you have someone you can talk to about anything?

Not really.

26. Last time you saw your dad?

2010.

27. Has the last person you kissed ever seen you cry?

Yes.  Many times, unfortunately.

28. You’re thinking about a certain person right now, aren't you?

Always.

29. What will you be doing in five years?

Hopefully living.  Maybe another kid, an actual house, less debt, more fun.

30. When angry, do you get loud or quiet?

EXTREMELY FUCKING LOUD.

31. Did anyone see you kiss the last person you kissed on the lips?

The cat, probably.  The dog, if he was awake.

32. Have you ever had a best friend of the opposite sex?

Yup.  I don't get why this is such a big deal to everyone.  Is it taboo or something?  It's not like I'm going to go bang him on the side.

33. How’s your hair right now?

Crap-fucking-tacular.