Saturday, October 31, 2015

The End.....Of This Month

I did it. I blogged every fucking day of this month, even if some of the entries were not very blog-like. Whatever. I wrote something.

I guess this has proven to me that I cannot be forced to write shit, and that I should actually wait until I have something meaningful to say. Or until I'm going off on someone. Or when I'm just generally crabby and need to get it out. I don't know. Anyways, more frequent blog posts, but not every day. I don't know how professional bloggers do that shit.

Moving on.....

Today was Halloween (duh). We were supposed to go to a party, but my mind was like, "LOL NO, HAVE A THROBBING FUCKING HEADACHE!!!!" Yeah. Dealt with that for most of the day. Manage to shake it off, but was left with the whole nauseous feeling that I suppressed through a trip to Costco and a quick round of trick or treating. It didn't help that the weather was shit and made me feel worse. At least my kid had fun, and he looked fucking awesome (he was Harry Potter).

So now I end this. I'm going to go shower and then chill on the bed and not move for ten or so hours. Or until my back screams at me to get up and do my back exercises. Stupid cat related injury.

Bye for now.

Friday, October 30, 2015

So Much For A Proper Blog

My dog had a seizure today. It was mild, but I'm still out of sorts from having to deal with it and get him to the animal hospital. However, I am happy to report that he is doing well and is expected to be fine. 


Couple that with some other shit going on today and I am just done. I'm so mentally and physically exhausted, but I must stay awake until 1am so I can let the pup out once more.

Oh god, I need to sleep.

Thursday, October 29, 2015

Two More Days

And then I don't have to blog regularly anymore! Woo!

Seriously, I don't think I write as well when I'm pressured to do it.

Which is why you aren't getting shit from me today. Like I said last night, I am not feeling well, the kid stayed home again today because he is STILL sick, and I seriously just want to drown in green death Nyquil and take a long sleep. The good thing (sort of good, anyways) is that I didn't have to feel too bad about my son's field trip tonight since he didn't even go. Now I just need to go and get our money back tomorrow. Yes, they charge for field trips now. What the fuck, right?

Anyway, since you read this crap, I feel compelled to give you this link of awesome gifs. Click here and enjoy.

Wednesday, October 28, 2015


Had a cold last week. Thought it went away. Apparently not. I'm feeling pretty shitty. I'm sure it's not helped by the fact that I am unable to go with my son on his field trip tomorrow. Dumb ass me forgot I already had to do something that I cannot back out of. Sigh, I'm such a dip, and I feel pretty fucking awful about it.

Anyway, I don't feel like writing much beyond this. I'm going to try and finish my California post tomorrow. You know, the second part of that post I started at the beginning of the month. Aye, I'm a mess.

Time to go chug Nyquil and flop in bed. If that bitch heffa cat is in my spot, she's getting smushed by a tsunami of fat rolls when I flop down.

Tuesday, October 27, 2015

LOL Same Day Delivery

Had to order some supplies from Amazon for my husband's job. Decided to do same day delivery because it was free. It was guaranteed to be here no later than 9. It is now 10:43. To say that I am annoyed would be an understatement. If I had known that this fuckass delivery service was going to flake on delivering shit like they were FUCKING SUPPOSED TO, I would have just had my husband stop and get his crap at Target or whatever. Never again. I'm going to bitch to Amazon tomorrow, because I know they'll bitch out the delivery company. Yes, I'm being a tattletale over something that was free. Fuck you, I'm being an entitled American asshole for one day.

And now I'm going to walk the dog and see if the dicklords left it outside by chance. Because they probably did. In the middle of Chicago. In the pouring rain.


Monday, October 26, 2015

Week Anxiety

So yeah. That title is pretty apt. Our week is shaping up to be busy, and I'm already thinking of ways to get out of most of it.

I went to the doctor today to get a diagnosis on my pit sores. Turns out it is just some wonky assed hair follicles being bitches. Topical cream and keeping it clean. No shaving. Fine with me. I hate doing that shit.

Since I slept so crappy last night, I came home with the expectation that I could nap while my kid read (he's sick again, so another day off of school). I had barely started drifting when my neighbor texted me and asked me for help. There is a lot of background to this story that I can't get into for reasons, but I tend to help her quite a bit because she needs it. So I watched her son for a few hours, then took him and my son to the school to get my neighbor's other child. Then we went to my son's tutoring job. I was already exhausted, and this was just putting me over the top. Then I came back and helped my neighbor move some more things (they're moving to a place down the street), and now here I am, talking about it for no reason whatsoever.

So. Busy week leading to anxiety. I have a condo board meeting tomorrow where I'm going to try and press my proposal to have me as a (compensated) after hours package wrangler. That sounds sexual, but rest assured I'm talking about stuff that's delivered by UPS and the post office after the maintenance guy leaves. Which they tend to do A LOT because they have some sort of vendetta against said maintenance guy because he politely asked them to try and deliver shit before he leaves for the day. So I'm going to try and get the board to okay the idea of me just making sure things get rounded up and put away before assholes break into our building again and start stealing shit. Then tenants can come and get me if they need to pick up something. It would work. A lot of people don't come home until after 5, and by then, everything is locked up and no one can get to their stuff. I'm sure they'd appreciate having someone on site that could retrieve things for them.

Then I'm helping my neighbor with her kids, more tutoring my son has to do, a random assed after school field trip on Thursday, and then a Halloween party on Saturday. The last thing is the only one I'm looking forward to, because I get to hang with three of my favorite people on the planet. I mean, yeah, the field trip might be fun if I didn't have to deal with anyone else's kids.

I was also supposed to start my seasonal cleaning this week, but I have absolutely no desire or energy to do it. My house looks like shit. I'm gonna try next week. It will be less hectic then. I hope.

Ugh. This whole post is me bitching and feeling twitchy because I have to do stuff that takes me out of my comfort zone. I don't care. I really hate feeling like this. I'm guessing part of it is just because I need to sleep. Fuck it then. I'm gonna go do that.

Sunday, October 25, 2015

On Parenting

Please excuse the jumbled thoughts in this post. It came about after an incident earlier tonight, and I'm not even going to try and make my thoughts orderly, because I'm still on edge. I won't bring up the nature of the incident, but it caused me to rant and rave like a madwoman at my child for some small infraction he had committed. Seriously. I could have handled it better. I could have told him why it was wrong. Nope. Full on bitch out freak fest went on. I'm sure he went to bed feeling like shit. I know I feel awful as fuck now.

I'm not looking for head pats with this post. I'm not looking for, "But he's such a good kid! You raised him well!" If I'm such a good parent, why did I yell about stupid shit? Why did I make him feel like he was the most awful person on earth?

The truth is, I'm not a good parent. My kid isn't good because I raised him right. He's good because I think he wants to please me and feel closer to me. If I were an actual decent parent, then he might be different, maybe worse, maybe better. I don't know.

This brings me to another thought. My son loves a lot of things that I love. He acts almost like a mini-me. Does he love these things out of genuine interest? Or is it another way to get closer to me? Does he act that way because that's just his personality, or is it because he thinks that is the only way he'll get my approval?

Some days I feel like I'm completely distant from my son. I want to show interest in what he does. I want to be a fucking award winning June Cleaver type mother. But I can't. I can't bring myself to do it. When he talks, I start losing focus. When he tries to show me something, I'm halfheartedly involved. If he keeps pressing me for attention, I get short with him. If he wants some of my time, I act like it kills me. Why do I do this? Why can't I be better?

We've had issues before with my responses. That was a bad time and I felt completely terrible for a good long while. But it seems that I have forgotten how bad things were and what nearly happened as a result of me being so distant and uncaring.

I guess this whole post is making me sound completely fucking unhinged and like an absolute unfit parent. I probably am. I don't know how my son will be when he's older. I don't know if he'll look back at his childhood and think, "Wow. My mom fucking sucked and I want nothing more to do with the bitch." Because as shitty a parent as I am, as distant as I can be, I love the SHIT out of my son. I would fucking walk over fire for him. I'd beat the ass of anyone that would hurt him. I'd beat MY ass right now if it were possible. Because I hurt him tonight. I know I did.

I can't take back the words I said. I can't make those right. They will be stamped on his mind forever. What I can do is apologize tomorrow and show him this and remind him that no matter how fucking nuts I am, he is my heart. He's the reason I'm still even going on, the reason I did not slit my wrists that one night in 2008, the reason I went for help the first time.

Maybe it's time to ask for help again and not just blog about how fucking ridiculous I can be.