Work In Progress

That describes me.

After almost three months, I have finished my anxiety/phobia workbook.

So what does that mean?

Well, it means that I have read it all (even the spiritual shit, which I'll get into in a bit), did the written exercises (with the exception of my goals, which I will finish this week), implemented the coping mechanisms that were suggested into my daily life, and am now working on various other physical and mental parts of myself.

Does this mean I am cured?

No fucking way. I have a loooooooong way to go still. I still battle myself and my phobias and anxieties on the regular. Maybe not every day, but they are there. However! I am much more prepared for flareups of the hellbeast that inhabits my mind. I am also majorly struggling with is my self-esteem and self-image, which leads me to not taking care of myself physically. I still keep rolling on though, and someday I will catch on and get with it. Not perfectly, but moving in the right direction.

So what changed?

Quite a few things. I know how to handle anxiety better. I do deep breathing exercises. I do muscle relaxation before I go to bed. I read my Personal Bill of Rights and Daily Affirmations every morning for motivation. I have learned how to handle my mood swings better, and I think my family can attest to this. I rarely lash out like I was doing, and I choose my words carefully when things get heated. I try to stay calmer and less on edge than I was, but if I do lose control, I don't let it eat at me. I write about it, figure out what happened, and act accordingly (apologies, talking out why I did this and why I reacted this way, etc). I've also started meditating, but I don't know that is working out because I just started yesterday (it was the last chapter in the book, so yeah).

What was the hardest part of this journey through a self-help book?

Dealing with the memories that came up. Flat out. I have had a lot of unpleasantness in my life, and having those memories that I've tried to suppress come up was a lot of heartache. There were two exercises that helped with this a lot, even though they hurt like hell to do. One was getting in touch with my inner child. I think having to do that broke down a lot of the wall that was keeping everything in because that little girl was still hurt by the actions of others, but she was trying to be brave and adult.

The second exercise was writing letters to the people that hurt me in various ways. Granted, there were only three, but it was pretty extreme. They will never be sent, but a LOT of my anger and hatred came out in writing them. After the initial feelings, I felt better, and can now see these people for who they are. I pity them.

So what about the spirituality?

This is still a very sensitive area for me. I wrote about this in my personal diary last night, so here is part of that entry: "I think I've always wanted to explore my spirituality further, but organized religion has turned me off of even that. I know they are two separate issues, but it's hard to get past that mental thing of religion=spirituality, since that is what I grew up with. There are certain times of the year where I feel so close to a breakthrough on the higher power issue. It's so fleeting though. I wish I could describe that feeling better or hold on to it longer than a few days."

That's kind of where I am, and I really wish I could describe that fleeting feeling in more detail.

I did download a meditation app (you know shit is serious when I'm downloading apps), and it's FREEEEEEEE and covers various types of meditation, religion, spirituality without religion, and wisdom from various regions of the world. It's actually pretty cool for being free, and I think you can pay a one time fee if you want to download stuff to listen to offline. However, I'm never unplugged, so I'm good.

So now what?

I keep working on myself, loving myself, taking care of myself, and if things don't go perfectly, I will not beat myself up. Life happens. That is my mantra.

Life. Fucking. Happens.