I'm in a mood.
It isn't a good mood.
You ever have those days where you just want to say, "You know what? Fuck it all. I'm out." and then just disappear? Yeah, that's how I'm feeling right now.
I don't think it's any one thing, but just a huge culmination of things building up. My breaking point happened right now because my kid completely ignored me when I asked him to do something. So I snapped and yelled. I really don't feel guilty about it, either. That sounds horrible, I know, but it is what it is.
So now I'm just sitting here, pondering ways to escape. That in itself is a dream, since I have to figure out how to budget $280 into a month's worth of groceries. Now I could be a mega bitch and just leave my husband and child and say, "Fuck it. Starve.", but I don't roll like that. No. I just sit here and stew because I can't disappear for a day, a night, a weekend, whatever. Yeah, I'm home during the day, but you know what I do? Stuff around here. Then I pick up my son. Then I cook, clean, do dishes, what the fuck ever else pops up. I'm tired. So very tired of it all. I'm tired of having to make every dollar stretch. Earlier today, my son wanted to know if he could play basketball. Do you know how shitty I felt because we just can't afford it? He looked upset when I said we had no money to cover it. It's a bitch to deny this kid anything because he RARELY asks for anything. So that just made my head hurt. More than that, it made my heart hurt.
I'm also tired of thinking about how and what I eat. I'm tired of exercising. I'm tired of having to deal with every little problem that comes along. Just once, I want to sit down and completely break. I want to have a fucking temper tantrum like a two year old because shit seems unfair. I want to kick and scream and rail against everything. But I won't. I'll just sit here and stew.
I used to be able to drown my sorrows in the sauce. I can't even fucking do that anymore because we have no money for frivolities.
So I sit. And stew.
