Fuck Off

Since I'm feeling pretty shitty right now, I'm just going to lay this out there. If you think you know more about my finances than I do, you're more than welcome to come and school me on it. And when you fail fucking miserably at getting blood out of a turnip, I'm going to laugh at you.

Don't ever presume that we have no money just because we blow it on stupid shit. Don't ever think you know more about us than you do. And if I ever see that fucktard asshole that made the comment about my husband never having money, I'm going to go apeshit ballistic on his ass. Guess what, asshole? We're making a graduate student stipend meant for ONE stretch out for three people. So why don't you go fuck yourself with a chainsaw? Furthermore, it's none of your fucking business. And if you feel so strongly about my husband having more money, then why don't you fight for grad students to make more money rather than act like the biggest prick in the universe about everything.

You know what? I already feel crappy about our situation because I know that a lot of our money problems were brought on by me. I don't need some ignorant dickhead that has fuck all to do with our family make comments about our finances. What? You didn't think my husband was going to tell me what was said? Yeah right. And while he may take it in stride, this feels like the biggest "FUCK YOU" directed at me and our kid, like we're bringing my husband down or something. That shit stings. It also makes me wonder what else is said about us and really really REALLY makes me wary of all of my husband's friends and coworkers.

So yeah. Sorry guys who are my husband's friends and coworkers. I like you, but I don't trust you for shit now.

I'm out.

Randomly Boring Stuff

I really don't think I'm cut out for blogging every day. Not enough ideas. Here's some random shit.

• I'm freezing my ass off.
• I got up way too early today.
• McRib sandwiches still suck.
• They cut my husband's pay by $100. Without telling us. Actually, it wasn't cut so much as it was sucked up by fucking insurance. Rates went up.
• My whole body aches.
• I just watched an old PBR commercial with Patrick Swayze. That was fucking awesome.
• Tomorrow is a Halloween dog parade for the doggehs that live in the neighborhood. Ratdog is going as a hot dog. He hates that costume.
• My child is being seven shades of annoying this weekend. Too much excitement for Halloween, I guess.
• Speaking of, they're no longer allowed to dress up for Halloween nor have parties at school. What a massive crock of shit. Ooh, they got a goody bag on Thursday. THURSDAY! Big fucking deal.
• I really want it to snow. Once it does, I'll be bitching for sun and warmth.
• I need to freakin' shower.
• I feel so bloated from that damned McRib. Liquid diet tomorrow. Ugh.
• I downloaded an app on my phone that is 80s television show theme songs. I haven't gone through all of them yet, but I saw some good ones, like Airwolf and the Wonder Years.
• I was thinking of this clip right now. Well, not the whole clip, just a specific bit. It starts at 6:05.

Alright, I'm out.

Random Questions Cause I'm Lazy

I dug this out of my notes on Facebook. Let's see if I can make the answers somewhat more interesting!

1. When you looked at yourself in the mirror today, what was the first thing you thought?
WTF?

2. How much cash do you have on you?
Jack and shit. We's po'.

3. What's a word that rhymes with "DOOR?"
Whore.

4. Favorite planet?
Pluto! It's a planet, godammit!

5. Who is the 4th person on your missed call list on your cell phone?
Some random number that I'm not answering. Fucking telemarketers.

6. What is your favorite ring on your phone?
David Tennant saying, "Allons-Y!" Shut the fuck up. It's hot.

7. What shirt are you wearing?
Cubs shirt with the name and number of someone who doesn't even play for the Cubs anymore.

8. Do you "label" yourself?
I'm a bitch, I'm a lover, I'm a child, I'm a mother, I'm a sinner, I'm a saint.......

9. Name the brand of your shoes you're currently wearing.
Feet.

10. Bright or Dark Room?
Dark, so I can fall asleep.

11. What do you think about the person who took this survey before you?
Since I took this once before, I'll talk about myself. I think I'm fucking awesome.

12. What were you doing at midnight last night?
Trying to fall asleep, but failing miserably because of the thunderstorm.

13. What did your last text message you received on your cell say?

Can't say (private, nyah!), but I will go back a month or so to one of my favorite texts that I saved: "When you're done moving your plump rump to pedophilic funk, we shall be awaiting you." This was sent by my friend. I was dancing to the Michael Jackson Experience. My friend is devilishly clever. And an asshole.

14. Where is your nearest 7-11?
In an area I wouldn't visit at night.

15. What's a word that you say a lot?
Fuck.

16.Who told you he/she loved you last?
My son. I went in to kiss him goodnight.

17. Last furry thing you touched?
The dog. He's under my chair, trying to kiss my butt.

18. How many drugs have you done in the last three days?
Shit, not enough.

19. How many rolls of film do you need developed?
People still use film?

20. Favorite age you have been so far?
23.

21. Your worst enemy?
Sloth. Not the character from the Goonies, not the weird Muppet animal from South America, but actual sloth.

22. What is your current desktop picture?
An altered picture of the "Nighthawks" painting. Two of the people are replaced by Doctor Who characters, and the TARDIS is in the background. The coffee urns look like Cybermen, and a Dalek is in a shop window. Yeah, I'm a nerd. Eat me.

23. What was the last thing you said to someone?
"You're not eating the fucking chapstick!" This was to my dog, who has developed an unhealthy attachment to Burt's Bees.

24. If you had to choose between a million bucks or to be able to fly what would it be?

Fuck the flying. I need money.

25. Do you like someone?
Many people. I'm a slut.

26. The last song you listened to?
"John the Revelator" by Depeche Mode

Thirty Days Of Truth: Day 01

Yeah yeah, I’ve been lagging on writing. I have just had way too many things going on and way too much writer’s block. I was going to write a post on what the rest of my summer was like, but the words never came, and lately I’ve been thinking that I should just let it rest. I’ll always have the memories, even if some of them are painful. I don’t need to see them written down or typed out. So let me wipe that slate clean and move on to something that might actually stimulate my creative juices.

Last week, as I was reading my usual blogs, I ran across something that intrigued me. It is basically a list of writing prompts for 30 days. You don’t have to do them 30 days in a row, but they are just sort of ideas. Reading through that list, I could feel myself getting inspired and actually wanting to do it, even knowing that some of those prompts are going to be emotionally hard to answer.

So, without any more rambling, here is the first in a series of 30 truths.

Day 01: Something You Hate About Yourself

Wow. Start out with a hard one, eh? I was going to go with the physical aspects of what I hate, but when I thought about it, the one thing I hate about myself the most has caused all my other problems. What is it? My compulsive behavior. As is my way, I don’t just have one compulsive behavior, I have several, and they can pretty much be blamed for the other reasons I hate myself. Be it shopping, eating, drinking, sex, etc., I do everything to the extreme, and pay for it later with the guilt, the weight, the debt, and the possibly half dead liver.

Mind you, I am in therapy for this, and I was doing quite well, but things have gotten worse all over again, and I find myself drowning in all my bad habits. Did I really need that expensive perfume? Did I really need to eat that late night snack, even if it was healthy? Did I really need to drink that much Bacardi 151 in one sitting? Did I really need to debase myself in that way? The answer to all of those questions is a resounding NO, but I still find myself engaging in this behavior.

I wish I could say that there was a magical fix for all of this, and that I will be cured before anymore damage is caused or before I hurt myself or those I love. I’m realistic, however, and know that this just won’t happen. There will be many more bumps and bruises and heartaches associated with me, and there really isn’t much I can do about it. Oh sure, I can say the pat, “I will get through this and I will succeed!”, but honestly? I just don’t feel like blowing smoke up everyone’s ass in regards to my being cured someday.

I was hoping this post would be longer, but I guess I’m still suffering from writer’s block. Ah well. Everyone gets my point.

So ends truth #1.

Belated Resolutions

New Year’s resolution #1 -stop procrastinating.

Whoops. Broke that one already.

New Year’s resolution #2 -exercise more, eat less, and breathe down the necks of the dumb fucks at the Lap Band clinic.

This one is easier to keep, although I’m about at the end of my rope in regards to that fucking clinic. If, a few months down the road, I still haven’t received the band and I’m losing weight just fine, I’m going to seriously tell them to fuck off. That might come sooner rather than later, though.

New Year’s resolution #3 -stop fucking worrying all the time and gain my sanity back.

This is ongoing. I suspect it will always be so.

New Year’s resolution #4 -stop fucking cussing all the damned time.

No wait. Disregard that one.

And the final resolution, and the big one to me -give up a major portion of the internet and discover what I‘ve lost. This is a HUGE deal for me, which is explained semi-coherently in the paragraphs below.

Lately, I have been feeling disconnected from my online life. I go on and read things, but I don’t feel any sparks or zest for it like I used to. Not that long ago, I’d spend the better part of my days and nights on the internet, reading, commenting, mocking, status updating, etc. Now I’m just sort of, “Meh.” about it all. I think my real life is calling me back into its arms, and I’m not going to let that opportunity slip away.

The only problem is….I don’t know how to live that life anymore. I have no real life friends around here that I can just call and hang with. I have no job. I won’t start school for another year and a half (had to push it back…circumstances have changed), and I can’t get out and walk like I used to because it’s ass biting cold right now. My mind is slowly turning into mush from lack of communication/interaction, and I HATE IT.

If I were to truly be honest with myself, I would have to say that I’ve been addicted to the internet for the longest time. I think it started when we moved here and that addiction got progressively worse. Having a mental breakdown did not help things. In fact, I think it made my dependence on the internet even more prevalent because I was reading too much into what was happening with my mind and what was causing the meltdown.

When I first started using the internet in 1999, it was an occasional thing because dial-up took forever and it used to drop a lot. The frequency of my usage increased in 2002, but I still managed to live outside the keyboard. Nowadays, I spend more time than I care to think about on here. A couple of nights ago, I was copying my old blog posts from MySpace and saving them on Word. Some of the entries that I read showed what my life was like before the whole dependency. I had a life, albeit a semi-boring one, but still, it was a life. It disappeared.

If the 2000s were the decade of excessive internet use, then I want the 2010s to be the decade of cutting back and discovering myself again. I may not make a lot of friends, I may not accomplish all I set out to do, but at least I can say that I tried. Two days ago, I shut down as much of my internet life as possible. This included cancelling my Pogo account (although still active until the subscription runs out in 10 months, so I can play if I feel the urge), shutting down any random message boards that I belonged to and didn’t post at, closing down the MySpace account, and logging out of message boards that I do frequent so I won’t be tempted to sit and post. It also included pruning down my bookmarks

So why am I blogging? An excellent question. Blogging keeps me sane, and usually I write out my posts on Word, go through it to spell check and look for crappy sentences, then just come here, copy, paste, title it, and post it. I’ll usually check back later on to see if I have comments and approve them. I don’t really consider blogging a giant waste of my time, especially if kvetching helps my sanity. The words of encouragement from my few readers does wonders for my spirits as well, and I‘d hate to lose that.

The big question now is: what will I do with all my free time? Well, there is brushing up on the maths so I can take my SATs next year. Yes, I know that a (future) 31 year old woman taking the SATs sounds ludicrous, but if I want to enter a university, I actually need to take them. On top of this preparation for school, I need to find out about any and all funding available to my poor ass to pay for my hypothetical higher education. I know it is going to cost a pretty penny, something we don’t have at the moment, but I figure if I throw myself at the mercy of the Feds, they’ll do something for me.

I will continue to exercise, which I mentioned above. Like I said, I’m getting pretty fed up with the way this Lap Band thing is going, so I might just give up on that and do my own thing again. This will require serious attitude adjustments on my part and how I feel about food. So, more hard work, less being lazy. I'm also thinking of finding the closest Overeater's Anonymous and just joining for moral support. At least that way I’m set, whichever way my weight loss journey goes.

I want to do a major blitz of my house and just get rid of useless crap. That will have to wait until the Spring though, because I need to move out a lot of stuff and sell certain things. For now, I’ll just be happy keeping on top of the housework so I don’t have to spend 6+ hours every week doing a major cleaning of it.

I want to spend more time with my family. I do okay during the day when I’m here with the kid, but in the evening, I just sort of zone out. Not a good thing. I want to hang with my husband and son, and get all competitive over stupid board and card games. We’ve actually been doing this for the past couple of nights, and I’ve had a blast. Uno is our game of choice at the moment, and it is fun to just loaf around and play it.

I want to get in some more work on my guitar. I did tune it like a month ago and never really did anything with it after that. I suck.

Last, but certainly not least, I want to rediscover my faith. I don’t know if this will take me down the path of being a Catholic again or to another branch of Christianity. This is something that I have been working on and have been waffling back and forth over. I daresay that my faith problem will ever be solved, but I would at least like to find some peace of mind (oooh, Boston song earworm now).

So ends the ramblings of me for another year, albeit six days late.

Random!

-I have been continuously sick since my son started school. Usually it's just a mild sore throat or achiness. Last week, it manifested into some fun, runny nose, hack out a lung, what the hell is that yellow crap coming out of my mouth and nose sick-fest. So I've been feeling less than stellar. Now that stuff is coming out, I assume I'm getting better.

-I'm participating in NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month). My story sucks, but I don't care, because it is fun to do. No, I'm not sharing it because I'm embarrassed. Makes complete sense, yes? It is also a way for me to meet new people, but I didn't go to the big get together last weekend because I didn't feel I would fit in at that restaurant. Then I couldn't go to the Write-In at the local coffee shop on Tuesday because I was sick. There is another Write-In tomorrow at some coffee shop on the UofC campus, but I don't know if I'll make it since it starts at 10:30 and my psych appointment is at 10. Maybe the next one.

-Still no word on my surgery. I'm starting to get antsy. I called them once to bug them, but they just said that they were getting schedules and stuff together. I also haven't heard anything from the sleep study place, which is annoying because I need to get paperwork from them before I go. Oh, and it might be nice to know WHERE the sleep study is held. Remarkably, I haven't really exercised a lot because I've been sick/lazy/tired/achy, but I've still managed to lose six pounds since September. Go figure.

-I did bad stuff with money. I suck. Because of my suckitude, we are on super mega tight budget. We can't buy anything without justifying it to my in-laws since they picked up a HUGE portion of my debt. That is all I will say. Oh, and I'm pretty sure my in-laws probably want to beat my ass at this point, but it is completely justifiable on their parts.

I think that's about it. Not much else going on in my life.

I Am....

Note: this was originally started on June 16th of this year. I last revised it on the 8th of July. Circumstances have changed as of late, but this still resonates with me because I was truly in a dark place and this just came from my heart and soul. I marvel at how I felt then and how far I have come in a single month. I'm not saying I'm completely healed, but I am on my way. That will be posted about later on though. For now, here is my offering:

I am angry.

I am angry because I have gained almost 100 lbs. over the past three years.
I am angry because, up until recently, I have not cared enough about myself to do anything.
I am angry because my body will never look normal, and I have no one to blame but myself.
I am angry because I know that I will never have the money or the time to fix what I have done.
I am angry because my mind has turned on me, and I know I will never be normal again.
I am angry because I have wasted my life with my family, and it is my fault.
I am angry that my sister did something completely stupid that could have fucking killed her.
I am angry that the loss of many people I know is due to cancer.

I am sad.

I am sad because I have experienced loss. Loss of loved ones, loss of acquaintances, loss of my own peace of mind.
I am sad because I do not know if I will ever be able to get off my meds and lead a drug free life.
I am sad because I am turning into a pill popping alcoholic.
I am sad because I still seek, but cannot find, the reassurance that there is something out there that created us, nurtures us, and lifts us up when we are down.
I am sad that I’m thought of as the villain in our little dramatic online community because the anonymity of the internet gives me the boldness to be someone else. (“Boldness is a mask for fear, however great.” -John Dryden)
I am sad because I know I should not feel this way, but I do, and nothing will ever change that.
I am sad that my sister never fully confided in me. Now I feel our close relationship is just a sham.
I am sad that my extended family has fallen apart, never to be fixed.
I am sad for so many reasons that go beyond the scope of my powers of expression.

I am lonely.
I am homesick.
I am always putting up a false front.
I am weak.
I am lazy.
I am scared.
I am tired.
I am done.

You Knew It Was Coming

So yeah, Michael Jackson died on Thursday. What can I say about him that hasn't already been said? His life, "Wacko Jacko", the allegations, the surgeries, the skin color changing.....yadda, yadda, yadda. I've heard it all before, and frankly, I'm sick of it. I don't know if he did what he was accused of. I don't know if he bleached his skin. I don't know if he bought the Elephant Man's bones or slept in a hyperbaric chamber or whatever. At this point, I don't really care.

What I remember is four year old me, dancing to and singing along with the "Thriller" video, watching "The Making of Thriller" over and over, wanting to meet him, adoring him, worshipping him. I remember seven year old me trying to Moonwalk down the slick wooden floor of my elementary school, and promptly falling on my ass and then conking my head. I remember the one glove, the Pepsi commercial, staying up to watch him on television, singing along with every damned song of his that became popular.

I grew up listening to him and the Jackson 5. He was highly influential on how my musical tastes developed. Some people think he has no musical genius. I think they are full of crap. His singing, his dance moves, his fame...they have influenced generations of musicians. He was not just some one trick pony with one hit and then forgotten. He was HUGE. He was a phenomenon.

In the days and weeks to come, we'll be inundated with news about him, mostly the worst parts and the most awful tidbits. We'll see the termites come out of the woodwork. We'll see his "friends" turn on him and tell all they know for a quick buck. We'll see his family fighting over anything and everything that belonged to him. And we'll see Jesse Jackson (gads, I can't stand him) talk his head off about everything, while knowing NOTHING.

I prefer to remember Michael as the shy young guy who sang and danced his heart out during my youth, who gave his all in each and every thing he did. Rest in peace, Michael. I still adore your music.

Why I Love My Child

I'm sitting here just randomly looking crap up on the internet, totally feeling like a sack of shit (yay stupid cold), when in wanders my four year old. He had been hanging in his room with Daddy, but came to see what I was doing. All of a sudden, he says, "I'm going to put this (this being the tortilla warmer) away." He picks up the styrofoam container off the table, walks over to the cabinet, opens the door, turns the lazy susan to the right place, and puts it in there. Then he shuts the door, says, "It's put away!" and gallops off to his room.

I am amused and touched.