Meh-ry Christmas And Other Musings

Torturing myself with Christmas carols. Reminds me of happier times. It also makes me sadder than hell because I miss my family.

Last week was the anniversary of my grandmother's death. This would be my paternal grandmother, since both of them died in December. I did not mention it last week nor write about it because I wasn't home. I think that is a good thing. I'm thinking about it now, and all it is doing is dragging my soul down. My heart just feels heavy. I miss her. I miss my maternal grandmother.

We watched "A Christmas Story" tonight, and all I wanted to do was bawl because the Old Man reminds me so much of my grandfather and how he used to be around Christmas.

Blah. The waterworks are starting. I don't want to do this, but if I keep it bottled up, I'm going to be depressed throughout the holiday, and I really don't want to ruin it for my son or husband.

I think I'm also crying because I'm listening to religious Christmas carols, and all they're doing is reminding me of how much I lost when my faith went PFFFFFT. It's a bitch at times to think about it, especially during the holy days for my old religion. Other times I could give a fuck about it all. Ah, conflict. Why can't I be normal?

Merry fucking Christmas.

Belated Resolutions

New Year’s resolution #1 -stop procrastinating.

Whoops. Broke that one already.

New Year’s resolution #2 -exercise more, eat less, and breathe down the necks of the dumb fucks at the Lap Band clinic.

This one is easier to keep, although I’m about at the end of my rope in regards to that fucking clinic. If, a few months down the road, I still haven’t received the band and I’m losing weight just fine, I’m going to seriously tell them to fuck off. That might come sooner rather than later, though.

New Year’s resolution #3 -stop fucking worrying all the time and gain my sanity back.

This is ongoing. I suspect it will always be so.

New Year’s resolution #4 -stop fucking cussing all the damned time.

No wait. Disregard that one.

And the final resolution, and the big one to me -give up a major portion of the internet and discover what I‘ve lost. This is a HUGE deal for me, which is explained semi-coherently in the paragraphs below.

Lately, I have been feeling disconnected from my online life. I go on and read things, but I don’t feel any sparks or zest for it like I used to. Not that long ago, I’d spend the better part of my days and nights on the internet, reading, commenting, mocking, status updating, etc. Now I’m just sort of, “Meh.” about it all. I think my real life is calling me back into its arms, and I’m not going to let that opportunity slip away.

The only problem is….I don’t know how to live that life anymore. I have no real life friends around here that I can just call and hang with. I have no job. I won’t start school for another year and a half (had to push it back…circumstances have changed), and I can’t get out and walk like I used to because it’s ass biting cold right now. My mind is slowly turning into mush from lack of communication/interaction, and I HATE IT.

If I were to truly be honest with myself, I would have to say that I’ve been addicted to the internet for the longest time. I think it started when we moved here and that addiction got progressively worse. Having a mental breakdown did not help things. In fact, I think it made my dependence on the internet even more prevalent because I was reading too much into what was happening with my mind and what was causing the meltdown.

When I first started using the internet in 1999, it was an occasional thing because dial-up took forever and it used to drop a lot. The frequency of my usage increased in 2002, but I still managed to live outside the keyboard. Nowadays, I spend more time than I care to think about on here. A couple of nights ago, I was copying my old blog posts from MySpace and saving them on Word. Some of the entries that I read showed what my life was like before the whole dependency. I had a life, albeit a semi-boring one, but still, it was a life. It disappeared.

If the 2000s were the decade of excessive internet use, then I want the 2010s to be the decade of cutting back and discovering myself again. I may not make a lot of friends, I may not accomplish all I set out to do, but at least I can say that I tried. Two days ago, I shut down as much of my internet life as possible. This included cancelling my Pogo account (although still active until the subscription runs out in 10 months, so I can play if I feel the urge), shutting down any random message boards that I belonged to and didn’t post at, closing down the MySpace account, and logging out of message boards that I do frequent so I won’t be tempted to sit and post. It also included pruning down my bookmarks

So why am I blogging? An excellent question. Blogging keeps me sane, and usually I write out my posts on Word, go through it to spell check and look for crappy sentences, then just come here, copy, paste, title it, and post it. I’ll usually check back later on to see if I have comments and approve them. I don’t really consider blogging a giant waste of my time, especially if kvetching helps my sanity. The words of encouragement from my few readers does wonders for my spirits as well, and I‘d hate to lose that.

The big question now is: what will I do with all my free time? Well, there is brushing up on the maths so I can take my SATs next year. Yes, I know that a (future) 31 year old woman taking the SATs sounds ludicrous, but if I want to enter a university, I actually need to take them. On top of this preparation for school, I need to find out about any and all funding available to my poor ass to pay for my hypothetical higher education. I know it is going to cost a pretty penny, something we don’t have at the moment, but I figure if I throw myself at the mercy of the Feds, they’ll do something for me.

I will continue to exercise, which I mentioned above. Like I said, I’m getting pretty fed up with the way this Lap Band thing is going, so I might just give up on that and do my own thing again. This will require serious attitude adjustments on my part and how I feel about food. So, more hard work, less being lazy. I'm also thinking of finding the closest Overeater's Anonymous and just joining for moral support. At least that way I’m set, whichever way my weight loss journey goes.

I want to do a major blitz of my house and just get rid of useless crap. That will have to wait until the Spring though, because I need to move out a lot of stuff and sell certain things. For now, I’ll just be happy keeping on top of the housework so I don’t have to spend 6+ hours every week doing a major cleaning of it.

I want to spend more time with my family. I do okay during the day when I’m here with the kid, but in the evening, I just sort of zone out. Not a good thing. I want to hang with my husband and son, and get all competitive over stupid board and card games. We’ve actually been doing this for the past couple of nights, and I’ve had a blast. Uno is our game of choice at the moment, and it is fun to just loaf around and play it.

I want to get in some more work on my guitar. I did tune it like a month ago and never really did anything with it after that. I suck.

Last, but certainly not least, I want to rediscover my faith. I don’t know if this will take me down the path of being a Catholic again or to another branch of Christianity. This is something that I have been working on and have been waffling back and forth over. I daresay that my faith problem will ever be solved, but I would at least like to find some peace of mind (oooh, Boston song earworm now).

So ends the ramblings of me for another year, albeit six days late.

Post Holiday Slump And Other Things

As the title suggests, I'm in that funk that a lot of people get into after the big holiday. Christmas was nice, but sort of sad and lonely for me, even though my hubs and son were here. I made a ton of food, which was enjoyed by my husband and myself. The boy child doesn't really like pasta salad (hi, vegetables), but he ate it anyways. He really wanted that dessert, I guess. He got a modest amount of presents and was quite happy with what he received. The best part was seeing his face on Christmas morning when I told him that Santa had come by to drink the milk and eat the brownies he had left out, and oh, he left a note for you, too. The boy sort of gasped and was in awe of the silver handwriting scrawled on a piece of paper. Definitely the best part of Christmas for me.

I didn't get a chance to go to Midnight Mass (ugly weather combined with a really sore foot), but I watched the live feed on television from Holy Name Cathedral. It was beautiful, and the Archbishop's message really spoke to my heart. To put it bluntly, I was crying because I really felt that it was time to accept the gift of Jesus into my life. Then I woke up Christmas morning still wrestling with the same stupid doubts and whatnot. I wish I could retain that feeling of complete peace, but it doesn't like to stick around. I could go on forever and ever about my lack of faith and being envious of people who are abundantly blessed with spirituality, but I'd just be repeating myself for the millionth time.

Other Stuff

On the Lap Band front, things aren't going so well. What else is new, right? I went to the hospital on the 17th to meet with the sleep study doctor, got directed to go down the hallway to meet him, got lost, was late, yelled at people who directed me, then finally found the place. The doctor was cool, and I have to see him in February to go over my CPAP results (the machine has an SD card that I take in with all my info on it).

On the 18th, I had three appointments in a row (I think I mentioned this earlier) at the hospital for more tests. The first was to see the gastroenterologist because of issues with my digestion. I get there at 7:45 (appointment was at 8), sign in, and wait. And wait. Then I hear the receptionist call the first patient to see him, but instead of seeing the doctor, the receptionist tells the patient that the doctor is out of town, his father had died, and all appointments had been cancelled. WHAT. THE. FUCK? Okay, I can understand family emergency and coming up suddenly, but I still think that there would have been a window of opportunity to call up the patients and tell them that the appointments were off. In this case, even more so, since I heard the receptionist say that his father had been ill for a few weeks and they knew he was going to pass. I was PISSED, and the receptionist knew it. So I'm supposed to go back on the 8th, with no appointment, which is perfectly fine, according to the receptionist. However, I don't trust this crap anymore, so I'm going to call the Thursday before and see what's up.

The other two appointments (to test my lungs and to have an ultrasound of my heart done) went well, and I was done fairly quickly. In between appointments, I ate breakfast and lunch at the cafeteria. The food wasn't too bad, but I do have to question the fact that they were serving fried catfish and any manner of unhealthy dishes. I did visit the chapel, and noticed that the wrought iron grill work over the windows had all the Stations of the Cross worked into it. From a distance, it looks like a lot of fancy loops and swirls. It's not until you look closely that you see the intricate and subtle work. I'm going to have to take a picture of it the next time I'm there.

Now it is time for me to get off of here and go nap. I had a major bout of acid reflux early this morning that kept me awake because I felt like I was going to hurl stomach acid all over. Gross.

Finally!

After two months of poking about, making excuses, and generally being a sloth, the WHOLE condo is finally (FINALLY!) clean...and I am freakin' exhausted. My wonderful husband put up with me yesterday, and helped out a LOT by cleaning the bathrooms and sweeping, AND keeping our kidlet occupied whilst I played cleaning fairy in the main room. It was hard work, and quite awful (hello, caked up crap on the stove), but everything is semi-sparkly, and I feel a sense of accomplishment.

This has been building up for a while. When the anxiety came back, I just went into, "I don't give a damn" mode, and the house got horrible looking. There wasn't weird things growing out of anywhere, but the floors had a nice coating of dust and whatnot all around, the stove looked horrible, the stainless steel was fingerprinted, pancake batter was on a cabinet door from three months ago, and the sink was always piled up with funky smelling dishes. The dust bunnies were turning into angora fur bunnies. My dog's scrounging of crumbs was the only real cleaning the floor saw. That did change though, and I'm hoping I can keep it like that, mainly because I hate six hour cleaning days (yeah, that's how long it took me, and our place isn't that big), but also because it shows that I'm getting better.

Yes, I said "getting better". Each day I can feel myself improving a bit more. For the past two days, I've walked the dog in the mornings. I've been keeping a tighter rein on what I eat, and I'm trying to get plenty of liquids in me, along with my host of vitamins. I still need to get my medication adjusted and get a refill of Xanax, but I've found that most things don't bother me anymore. There are still days when I worry and fret over nothing (like yesterday....my goodness, I'm surprised my husband didn't smack me one), but they are starting to disappear. You might attribute it to my medication and my psychologist (who is crazy awesome), but I want to go one better and thank the good Lord for His help....

Note: past this point is where I talk about religion, so if you don't go that route, you can stop here.

I've written a few sentences here and there about my faith crisis. It has had me in a headlock for a while now. I've read so many different religious websites that it's ridiculous. I've perused the Bible (and have a quote of the day thing up on my blog....the Bible has awesome inspirational quotes, I think), I've read up on different religions, but I've always been drawn back to Christianity. Maybe it was because I was raised Catholic. Anywho, one night, after talking to some friends about faith, I started praying. I poured out my woes (silently, of course...don't wanna scare my family), cried a lot, and left it at that. I can't say I felt instant peace, but as the weeks have gone on, and I've more or less continued praying each night, I have felt my worries slip away.

I don't ask for instant relief for my problems. I know that isn't possible. Instead, I pray for strength and wisdom to conquer what is going on with me. I pray for people to realize how petty they are and start working together to solve the crises of the world. I pray that people will let go of their intolerance for other people who may be different. And I pray for those who are suffering throughout the world. It may not seem like much, but to me it makes a great deal of difference.

Look, I'll never be a religious scholar and I know I'll never be smart enough to debate people who look down on religion. I know this. I also know because of this lack of smarts, I will be mocked when it comes out that I am leaning heavily on Christianity. I know all religions are pretty much mocked nowadays, be they Christianity, Islam, Judaism, Hinduism.....you get my point. For the life of me though, I cannot understand WHY people just can't get along. So I'm Christian and you're an Atheist. Great, fine. Let's respectfully trade info on our beliefs or lack of them. Let's debate in a friendly manner the merits of Islam vs. Judaism. At the end of it all, let's agree to disagree and work on making a better world.

I am also well aware of how some Christians act un-Christlike. It breaks my heart to know that people are using Jesus Christ to condemn homosexuals, shun minorities, harass Atheists/Nonbelievers, and make a crap load of money doing so. I have seen it in many places and can sort of understand why some people have no respect for religion, because it's always the loudest, most outlandish people who come forward and represent Christianity. At the same time, I don't like the fact that hardcore Atheists mock people of faith and proclaim that they are without intelligence because they believe in a higher power. I could have sworn we were all adults in this matter and didn't have to resort to name calling. But I digress...

So yes. I think I am a Christian. I believe in God, I believe in Jesus Christ. I believe that someday I will see Him/Them, unless I am unfit to be in Their presence. I hope you don't have a problem with my beliefs. I'm not out to convert anybody. I just want to live my life and be at peace.