I usually do a weekly post on my health situation on Facebook. This one might go a little bit long, so have a post.
First off, I'm gonna be straightforward about last week. I failed. Spectacularly. I was okay on Monday and Tuesday. My leg even felt like it was healing up.
And then I fucked up.
Tuesday night saw me battling insomnia. That's fine. I've dealt with it before. Then I went to move my leg around my dog (who insists on sleeping between my legs....wtf), and the most godawful searing pain shot down my thigh to my knee. I actually jerked and cried out loud enough to wake up my husband. I was in tears. It hurt so fucking bad. I was so upset with myself. I felt like I had been making progress and it was shot down in an instant.
So me being me, I just caved. I didn't do much. I hurt so much that it was (and still is, but we'll get to that in a moment) hard for me to get into bed or sit down or bend over or really, just about ANYTHING, without causing a huge amount of pain. I sucked down Ibuprofen like a fiend, but knowing what type of damage it can cause, I started tapering off on Friday. My eating healthy habits suffered because I started spiraling.
And here we are. Yesterday was pretty bad, and when my leg gave out on me when I climbing into bed, I just collapsed and started crying. Today has been a bit better, but not by much (now battling another cold and with this leg.....ergh). I ate like crap today. I acknowledge it. I need to do better tomorrow.
Yet through all of this, I haven't gained weight. My body is a cunt.
So I'm resetting again. I have decided that I'm going to do my leg strengthening exercises twice a day, just to keep things limber. I'm going to revert back to eating better. It wasn't hard to start it up. I can still do it. I'm going to keep to walking moderate distances and using the elliptical so I don't screw up anything with crazy flailing or lifting too much.
The above paragraph is a marked change from how I felt three hours ago. I was just sitting there in a horrible funk, thinking that nothing will work or change for me, that I'm always destined to be like this. I don't know what snapped inside me, but I can't do this. I need to get better and keep on going. If not for me, then for my family.
So here's to attempt #.....ah shit, I lost count. I'm just going to do it. Fuck you, body!
Dude, I need to get on a better diet. I know exactly what we need to be buying and eating but I just don't want to pull the trigger. I've said before it's great to have a husband who loves you for who you are and the way you look but honestly, that's not much of a motivator to change. I'm so complacent and it's so easy not to get up and get moving. So, the weekly shopping trip is coming up and I need to take charge and just do this thing. Same with working out. I bitched so hard about paying for an empty gym at our complex and now that it's equipped, I've done nearly nothing. Time to change and feel better about myself for me. I know it'll make me a better mom and wife and I won't be so susceptible to depression.
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