Note: I wrote this last week when I was feeling really shitty. I'm a bit better now, but at the time, eh. Why didn't I publish it last week? Because I wanted to sit on it for a bit and see if my feelings would change. I know sometimes I feel like utter shit during PMS, then I feel fine, but re-reading this now, I find myself nodding my head in agreement to damn near everything. I guess the minor altercation with the lady on Tuesday has also made me realize how much using has been going on in my life. As such, I think I am going to make a conscious effort to start cutting people off, either because of said using or because they just don't make me feel right personally.
Anyway....
I've come to the conclusion that I can't really be around people or be on Facebook at the moment. Everything everyone says or does just gets to me. I can't explain it. Heaven knows I'm not always right about things, but the amount of negativity and absolute statements (think: "You should believe this/listen to me/hate this or else you're dumb/ignorant/stupid") is just really causing my soul to feel rotten.
I don't care what you do with your life. I don't care what you believe. I don't care if you think things should be done your way. I really don't. As such, you shouldn't be fucking with me and what I believe or think or feel. Spouting off about your stance every day doesn't draw in anyone. Being irritated about shit every day doesn't make things better for anybody. Acting like you know everything about everything and insisting you're right is just.....ick.
I'm tired. I'm so tired. I'm tired of listening. I'm tired of answering. I'm tired of being the person that people come to so they can be ridiculous because they know I'm polite enough not to say anything. They know I'll just be silent or murmur something that kind of sounds like an agreement, but is really me just being like, "Okay, I'm not going to disagree with this person because conflict, but really, how the fuck am I friends with them again?"
I guess the above describes a form of being used, which is also something I grapple with. Not to sound like OMGVICTIM, but I know people use me. I know this. I'm not stupid. I'm not so desperate for friendship that I don't recognize the signs of people taking and taking from me, but then fucking off into the night when I can give no more or I finally say something. I hate being used, but here comes that politeness again, that, "Gee, I can't be mean." The few times that I've actually gotten to the bitch point with someone and declared that I wasn't their fucking puppet, I got shit on. Hard. Fuck my feelings, oh no. I hurt theirs. So I go silent again and be the good little Jessica that everyone wants.
Does this mean that I'm always the victim? Oh no, I'm self-aware enough to realize that I can be a huge asshole when it is unwarranted. Just ask my family. They can give your stories for days. I'm an unpleasant dickhole when I want to be. I am unreasonable and angry and fight dirty and don't give a damn about anything. It sucks. It's shitty. I know I shouldn't do it. I try not to do it, because I know how much it hurts.
I don't even know what I'm saying anymore. I'm feeling pretty mental today, so this is the result.
And......if this gets to you and you're offended by it.....well, maybe you should examine your relationship with me then. I'm merely stating how I feel at times.
