Out Of Ideas

Ah, six days in and no ideas.  So I did the smart thing and Googled (Google is your friend!) "blog prompts".  I found a cool site that generates different prompts.  Some of them were really thought-provoking, and I'll probably use them later on.  For today, I've chosen the one that asks me if I feel that I'm too old to pursue my dreams.  I've been pondering this question for a bit, and the conclusions I've come to are pretty defeatist and ugly.

Twenty years ago, when I was thirteen, I had no idea of what I wanted to do.  I was a sloth of a teenager, only interested in boys and acting like a fool.  That laziness and apathy continued on through my school years, and as a result, I fucked up my own future in ways I didn't even think about at the time.  Of course I didn't think about it.  I was a typical teenager.  I eventually found myself at a continuation high school.  That failed, so I gave up for six months, until my parents got sick of my shit and told me to finish school.  I then enrolled at the adult education center and managed to get a diploma with a B average.  Impressive for someone who hated homework.

When I turned seventeen, I became an Anglophile.  Everything was about England.  I had decorated my bedroom door with cutouts of different pictures from around that lovely country.  I learned as much as I could about their culture, their land, and their history.  Hell, I even had a giant Union Jack hanging from my ceiling.  I eventually started planning a trip to England.  I figured that I could save up my meager pay and eventually make my way over there.  As with many of my plans, it fell through, namely because I was fat and lazy and wanted to buy other things with my money.  This is the norm for my life, trust me.

Now in between fucking up my high school years and my lust for all things English, I managed to squeeze in some community college courses.  I first started out with Early Childhood Education, but gave up two classes in.  It didn't interest me, and I discovered that I really disliked children.  Granted, that position has now changed, but I still can't see myself caring for other people's crotchfruit all day.  So then I switched.  To Japanese classes.  Japan was my second favorite country, and intrigued me with its culture.  I did two and a half semesters, but then quit because I didn't like verbs.

Yeah.

I continued with my bumming around for several years, not doing much of anything.  I really don't understand why my parents let me do this.  I eventually went back to college to take a course in art history.  I LOVED IT.  Hearing how this art was created, the stories behind it, what it all meant.....it just really resonated with me.  I even had the opportunity to go to Egypt on an archaeological dig with the teacher.  But I didn't.  I also didn't continue on with any art history studies.  Yep.  Laziness.

I eventually got a job, just doing office work.  Got laid off from that, then decided I would do pharmacy tech courses.  That fell apart.  Then years of retail, staying at home, moving, and anxiety.  Then random fits of, "I want to do this, or this, or this", then giving up those ideas.  Then another job.  Then ideas of going back to school.

I guess this has turned into a long story of how fucking lazy a person can be about their life choices.  I guess I should get to the point again.

Yes, I feel I'm too old to pursue my dreams.  I'm too tired.  I have no money.  I have responsibilities now.

Do I regret the decisions I made in my life?  Some of them, yes.  I don't regret getting married or having a child.  I don't regret the friendships I've made over the years or the things I HAVE done.  Still.  I wish I had done what I wanted.  Gone to England.  Finished a degree in art history.  Traveled some more and discovered other wonderful countries.

At this point, I don't really expect any of it to happen.  I could go back to school, but even registering and doing the required tests seems like a daunting task.  I could try to save money so we could do a family trip to Europe, but I know something would come up and eat the money that I saved.  It likely wouldn't work out anyway, since none of us have passports and the government is being a bunch of cockweasels at the moment.

I guess I was right when I said at the beginning of this post that it was going to be defeatist.  At this point all I can do is live vicariously through other people and envy them and feel stupid around my more educated friends.

Goddamn, this post was depressing.  I'll be handing out Xanax on Halloween to anyone who made it through this whole thing.