Weighty Decisions

So when I wrote my last blog post, I might have been (more than) slightly pissed.  After I calmed down, talked it out, reasoned with myself, thought about it, cried about it, etc., I've come to a conclusion.

I'm keeping the Lap Band.  Or rather, I'll be getting a full on replacement and hopefully keeping that one for a good long while.

I know.  I shouldn't.  I'm afraid of gaining back all of the weight (and then some!) if I have it fully removed.  So my vanity is most likely taking over my common sense.  Or has it?

I honestly don't know.  It may not be vanity so much as it is worry that I'll die young from obesity and it's complications.  Yet there is a part of me that feels this thing will kill me before the fat ever would.

I know the risks.  I know the complications.  My face may have even turned ghostly white when signing all the waivers and paperwork today.  Yet I know I can't live without this thing.  I don't stand a snowball's chance in hell of losing weight if I have it removed.  That is how weak I am.

I discussed all of this with my new surgeon.  He knows how I feel.  He's assured me that I am most likely the only person in the Lap Band population that has had this happen three times.  I fully expect to be written up in medical journals about this weirdness.  He's also assured me that it isn't anything I have done.  It is just an unfortunate circumstance that I have been blessed (cursed?) with.  I feel rather secure with his words and his knowledge.  I just hope that I'm right about it.

So now I wait.  My surgery is scheduled for the 20th.  That leaves me about eight days to fret and stew and worry about whether or not I'll wake up after the surgery.  Or if I'll have life threatening complications.  Or if it fails again.  Or so many other things......fuck, brain.  Give it a rest.

I hope I'm doing the right thing.