You

I can't believe it has been four years now.  What the fuck, time?

I didn't forget, even though I am not acknowledging it on Facebook.  I feel I never earned the right to put my grief out there.  Yes, I'm writing about it here, but no one will know, because I'm not going to advertise this post like I normally do.

You know, I can still hear your voice in my mind.  The distinctive way you said certain words because of the Okie upbringing.  It brings a smile to my face, and no small amount of pain to my heart.  I just wish that I could hear it once more, not just in my head.

The holidays are here again, and I frequently ponder how things used to be.  I try to duplicate the things you used to do for the holidays, but it's not the same.  Nothing makes up for the fact that you're gone, Grandpa is gone, Aunt C is gone, and our family is no more.  How can a family just fall apart like that?

I'm trying not to dwell on the sadness, but there are times that it just won't go away, especially if I start meditating upon everything too much.  Like now.  My heart just feels like exploding, and the only thing that stops the ache is to cry.  But I can't.  I don't know if it is because I'm sick or because I'm medicated, but the tears won't fall, and it's pissing me off.

I miss you, Grandma.  I only wish I would have known all of these feelings before you died, because feeling like this now doesn't help for shit.