Ugh. Got that whole depression/homesick thing going on. I'm just really starting to dislike the holidays, because all it does is cause pain in my heart since we can't be with family in California. I mean, seriously. I saw a picture on Facebook that the Santa Cruz Beach Boardwalk posted, and I wanted to bawl. This just isn't like me. Or maybe it is.
The holidays are also a painful reminder of the people I've loved and lost, the traditions that are gone forever, and things that have just disappeared. Like my sanity.
I know that I suffer from Seasonal Affective Disorder (how hilarious that the acronym for that is S.A.D.....not), so this is probably the start of it. But it is something more. I just feel emotional over everything. Hell, you know it's bad when I was GLAD to see my in-laws when they came out for my husband's graduation. That changed, of course, but when they arrived, I was happy to see them.
I guess the best example of the pain I feel is when my mom called last night from my grandma's house. Even though my granny has been dead for two years (God, I miss her so much), everyone still usually congregates at her old house (family takes care of it and lives there). And I could hear everyone's voices, and the loudness that comes from having a huge family. And it hurt that I couldn't be there.
Then about an hour ago, we used Facetime (my son has an iPad 2 that my in-laws gave him for Christmas) to talk to my mom and sister some more. I wanted to be there with them, laughing at stupid things, watching horrible television, and just chilling. Sure, most of the time I want to fight them all in the face (just kidding), but during the holiday season, I want my mommy and daddy and sissy, and it just kills me inside that I can't have them because there is no way to get home, no way of saving money to get home later, and no way of knowing if we'll ever get back to California.
I should count my blessings, though. I have the love of my husband and my little boy. I have a place to live, food to eat, and a life, even if it is sort of off kilter at the moment. I have friends that love me and listen to me complain (you ladies rock, and thank you for letting me vent!), friends that go out of there way to make me happy in small ways, and the admiration of many for being so......strange.
Now if I can just keep reminding myself of all that I have, maybe I won't be so down about everything.
Merry Christmas folks, and cherish everything and everyone that you have, because life is constantly changing.
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