Fuck Cancer

I was all set to write an interesting post about why I haven’t been blogging and how I suck at friendships, but something stopped me. It wasn’t an epiphany or anything, but a rather innocently asked question that my six year old threw at me earlier: “What is cancer and what does it do?” Oh mama. What a question. I THOUGHT I could handle it. I THOUGHT it would be easy to explain. Boy, was I ever wrong. I’m still a wee bit shaken by the emotional pain that it dredged up.

When my son asked me about cancer, I tried to answer, the key word being “tried”. I couldn’t. I could feel myself getting all choked up. My stomach developed a herd (yeah, I know it’s the wrong word) of butterflies that were doing a mad conga line. I briefly explained that cancer sucked mega ass, that it usually wasn’t pretty, and that there really wasn’t a damned thing you could do about it unless you caught it in time. That was it. I couldn’t say anymore. He pondered it, then asked if he would ever get cancer. I lied through my teeth and said he wouldn’t. NEVER. And really, it is a lie when you think about it. Life is uncertain.

After that brief and rather emotional conversation, I walked out on to the balcony and stared into space. And cried. Oh yes, I cried. I cried for my aunt, for my friend Deb who died in 2009, and for my friend Oscar, who died when he was only 14 years old. I cried over their struggles, their triumphs, their relapses, and their deaths. I cried at the painful memories that my son unintentionally dug up. I cried until the pukey feeling in my stomach passed. And I questioned life. Hell, I even questioned God, and that’s really bad since my belief system is in shreds and I don’t know whether I’m coming or going when it comes to religion.

I’m not sure what my point is in writing this. I’m not sure if I am even making sense at this point. I just felt the need to type before I screamed my head off at the unfairness of it all.

Fuck it. Fuck cancer. I hate you. You will be destroyed someday. I hope I’m alive to see it.