Then why oh why did I snap and eat junk food today? I did fine this morning. I even took the dog for a 45 minute walk, then left an hour early to pick up the Boy Child and walked down to the Point and along the beach, then back to 57th Street and around the park.
I didn’t need those effin’ Bagel Bites. I was even telling myself that when I was making them for my son’s lunch, but I put more on the baking sheet than was necessary. Then I ate them, even though I was telling myself that I STILL didn’t need them. As they disappeared down my throat, my mind was telling me, “NO! STOP!!!”, but my actions were automatic. Pick up, bite, chew, swallow, bite, chew, swallow, bite, chew, swallow. It was as if my hands and mouth were disconnected from my more reasonable side.
Now I’m sitting here, feeling guilty, ill (in mind and stomach), and near tears, but trying to hold it all in because my son is sitting next to me. I feel shame, so much shame, for what I just did. It might seem minor to a lot of people, but this could potentially ruin what I’ve fought for, and I would have no one to blame but myself.
How could I do this to myself again, after so many promises? How could I fail myself after waiting six months to get to this point?
Thus the curse of binge eating lingers on.
