Happy Effin' Holidays

I’ve been feeling sort of “blah” lately. I don’t know if it is the Christmas season, I’m not feeling great, or it’s just that general rut that I always run in. Some of it might be due to the terribly sad news I heard on Friday, but I’m not going to get into that on here because it is not my story to talk about, although I feel awful for all people involved.

For the past week or so, I’ve been trying to live my life healthier. I’ve failed more times than I’ve succeeded, and I think I’m sinking back into that “who gives a rip?” mentality. I don’t want to be in that place again. I don’t NEED to be in that place again. I’ve tried so very hard to eat better, exercise more, and maintain a cheerful attitude about it. The exercise was coming along nicely, but like clockwork, my foot has decided to give me all kinds of trouble. It hurts when I get up in the morning, it hurts if I sit too long and then get up, it hurts all the bloody time. It hinders my mood and my motivation to exercise. It defeats my good attitude about food. I’ve tried to ignore it and just soldier on, but it is painful as hell.

Then there are my food issues. I sometimes wonder if I can hack it with the Lab Band surgery, given my food hang-ups. Yesterday, the Boy and I made peanut butter cookies with chocolate kisses in the middle. I ate WAY more than I should have, and subsequently felt major guilt about it. This led me down that old familiar path of not caring about food. I suppose I could just NOT bake, but it is the season for baking, and cooking usually puts me in a jollier mood. I just have to deal with the fact that I can’t and shouldn’t eat much of it, which is hard to do when you have little willpower. The worst part is that I don’t even subconsciously want the food. It’s just there, so I eat it.

Then there is my mood. It has been getting worse and worse over the past couple of weeks. I thought it was PMS, but this feels far different. I go from okay to happy to sad to angry to despondent to anti-social all in the span of one week. I put on my façade of being normal, but underneath, all I feel are seething emotions. Right now I feel sad, angry, and disconnected from everything. I don’t even know if what I’m typing makes any sense, and quite frankly, I don’t care.

I’m not sure where I’m going with this post. I just thought writing down some of this BS would help me a bit. All it has done is make me feel worse.

I keep thinking about the dream I had this morning. I’ve been really good about trying to stay awake during the hours my son is in school, but this morning, I took a nap. I dreamed of my grandmother again. I was back in my hometown. I don’t remember much, but I think I was at my aunt’s old apartment, and I was alone in her kitchen because my aunt and my mom went somewhere. I saw my grandmother, but knew that wasn’t possible because she was dead. DEAD. What the hell? But she held out her arms and I hugged her, but I knew she was dead, even though she felt real. I was laughing and crying in my dream, knowing that this could not be, and I know she was trying to tell me something important, but I couldn’t make sense of it. Then she sort of just faded away, but I knew she was still there. There are other parts of the dream jumbled up, places and different parts of my life mixed together, but I can’t figure that out. I felt safe though, and happy, and I was crying when the alarm woke me. Maybe I’m just homesick again, which is weird, given the issues I have when I do go back to California.

I’m having issues with my faith again. Some of it has to do with what I found out on Friday, some of it has to do with my own logic, but most of it is just this general feeling of apathy towards what I thought I believed. I’m thinking of hitting up Midnight Mass if I can find a place holding it so I can snap out of this crap. Why Midnight Mass? Why not? I was raised Catholic, and feel comfortable going there, although I’ll look like ass because I slop around in sweats 24/7. If there is God though, I doubt he gives two shits about what I look like when attending a religious function.

I’m getting bored with writing (whee laziness), so I’m bugging out before this blog entry gets too long. If you stuck around this long, please have yourself a Merry Christmas/Happy Hanukkah/Merry Kwanzaa/Happy Islamic New Year/Happy Holidays. Take your pick. I’m trying to be politically correct here.