Note: On the advice of my psychologist, I am writing this letter to my grandmother.
Dear Grandma,
Today marked four months since you died. I have tried desperately not to use you as an excuse or a crutch for my problems, but I can't deny that your death has left me pretty lost. Although we had grown apart in the past ten years, you were still my grandmother. You were the one who taught me to bake, who taught me how to do different craft projects. You were the one who watched us when we were younger, who told us awesome stories about your childhood and the gangster who saved your family from starvation. You were the one who tucked us into bed for naps or when we spent the night with you and Grandpa. You were the one who made camping trips fun, even when you were hot and tired and cranky.
I know that some people in our family think they are the only ones that hurt because you died, but they are so very wrong. I have always had to be the one to be strong for everyone else, and I can't do that anymore. I just want to collapse into a heap and mourn you. Yes, I do know that S.... was closer to you than I was, but I always felt like you had more faith in me. I don't know why, maybe it's just my mind playing tricks on me. My memory has never been very good.
Grandma, I need to apologize a million times over. I wish you could hear this. I don't know if you can, because I've lost all faith in everything and I don't know if I'll ever get it back. You'd probably kick my ass because you were a devout Catholic and taught me all the stuff. By the way, I still have the religious stuff you gave me. I still have the pretty pin that was your mom's. I can't wear it for fear that it will get broken. But I digress.....
I'm sorry, Grandma. I should have been there. I should have visited you more. I should have brought the boy to see you more. I should have done so many things different, and I didn't. I can never forgive myself for that. All you wanted was to see your firstborn great-grandbaby, and I couldn't even bring my miserable self to make an effort to see you. I really hate myself for that, and now, because of my selfishness, the boy will only have vague memories of an older lady trying to hug and kiss him.
You would have been 81 years old in two days. That wasn't old at all, considering how spry you used to be and how many things you did.
I'm sorry.
Love,
Jess
I think your grandma would have been proud of you and would have wanted you to move on. But I know that she would have appreciated everything you said and she knew that there were things beyond your control as well.
ReplyDeleteHugz.
Oh sweetie. I couldn't finish reading this without grabbing a box of tissues.
ReplyDeleteI think Rice is right. She would indeed have been proud and when it was time, would have wanted you to move on.
This was really so heartfelt and touching. I'm honoured that you shared it with the rest of us.
Jess, someone who has a quote from Romans at the top side of every blog has not lost faith in everything. Just, yourself, I think. And that is sad because, especially on Easter Sunday, God would want you to know that He wiped away your sin and forgave you for ALL your iniquities!
ReplyDeleteHuman beings do human things. And often the things we do are wrong, or hurtful, or short sighted. But we do the best we can in the moment and ask God to forgive us when we fall short.
I read the understanding, compassionate messages you post to others' web sites, and I just wish you would show yourself that same understanding and compassion.
Your grandma still loves you. She forgave you long ago. In fact, she will probably be the person waiting for you when you get to heaven...ready to bake some really special cake together.