Finally!

After two months of poking about, making excuses, and generally being a sloth, the WHOLE condo is finally (FINALLY!) clean...and I am freakin' exhausted. My wonderful husband put up with me yesterday, and helped out a LOT by cleaning the bathrooms and sweeping, AND keeping our kidlet occupied whilst I played cleaning fairy in the main room. It was hard work, and quite awful (hello, caked up crap on the stove), but everything is semi-sparkly, and I feel a sense of accomplishment.

This has been building up for a while. When the anxiety came back, I just went into, "I don't give a damn" mode, and the house got horrible looking. There wasn't weird things growing out of anywhere, but the floors had a nice coating of dust and whatnot all around, the stove looked horrible, the stainless steel was fingerprinted, pancake batter was on a cabinet door from three months ago, and the sink was always piled up with funky smelling dishes. The dust bunnies were turning into angora fur bunnies. My dog's scrounging of crumbs was the only real cleaning the floor saw. That did change though, and I'm hoping I can keep it like that, mainly because I hate six hour cleaning days (yeah, that's how long it took me, and our place isn't that big), but also because it shows that I'm getting better.

Yes, I said "getting better". Each day I can feel myself improving a bit more. For the past two days, I've walked the dog in the mornings. I've been keeping a tighter rein on what I eat, and I'm trying to get plenty of liquids in me, along with my host of vitamins. I still need to get my medication adjusted and get a refill of Xanax, but I've found that most things don't bother me anymore. There are still days when I worry and fret over nothing (like yesterday....my goodness, I'm surprised my husband didn't smack me one), but they are starting to disappear. You might attribute it to my medication and my psychologist (who is crazy awesome), but I want to go one better and thank the good Lord for His help....

Note: past this point is where I talk about religion, so if you don't go that route, you can stop here.

I've written a few sentences here and there about my faith crisis. It has had me in a headlock for a while now. I've read so many different religious websites that it's ridiculous. I've perused the Bible (and have a quote of the day thing up on my blog....the Bible has awesome inspirational quotes, I think), I've read up on different religions, but I've always been drawn back to Christianity. Maybe it was because I was raised Catholic. Anywho, one night, after talking to some friends about faith, I started praying. I poured out my woes (silently, of course...don't wanna scare my family), cried a lot, and left it at that. I can't say I felt instant peace, but as the weeks have gone on, and I've more or less continued praying each night, I have felt my worries slip away.

I don't ask for instant relief for my problems. I know that isn't possible. Instead, I pray for strength and wisdom to conquer what is going on with me. I pray for people to realize how petty they are and start working together to solve the crises of the world. I pray that people will let go of their intolerance for other people who may be different. And I pray for those who are suffering throughout the world. It may not seem like much, but to me it makes a great deal of difference.

Look, I'll never be a religious scholar and I know I'll never be smart enough to debate people who look down on religion. I know this. I also know because of this lack of smarts, I will be mocked when it comes out that I am leaning heavily on Christianity. I know all religions are pretty much mocked nowadays, be they Christianity, Islam, Judaism, Hinduism.....you get my point. For the life of me though, I cannot understand WHY people just can't get along. So I'm Christian and you're an Atheist. Great, fine. Let's respectfully trade info on our beliefs or lack of them. Let's debate in a friendly manner the merits of Islam vs. Judaism. At the end of it all, let's agree to disagree and work on making a better world.

I am also well aware of how some Christians act un-Christlike. It breaks my heart to know that people are using Jesus Christ to condemn homosexuals, shun minorities, harass Atheists/Nonbelievers, and make a crap load of money doing so. I have seen it in many places and can sort of understand why some people have no respect for religion, because it's always the loudest, most outlandish people who come forward and represent Christianity. At the same time, I don't like the fact that hardcore Atheists mock people of faith and proclaim that they are without intelligence because they believe in a higher power. I could have sworn we were all adults in this matter and didn't have to resort to name calling. But I digress...

So yes. I think I am a Christian. I believe in God, I believe in Jesus Christ. I believe that someday I will see Him/Them, unless I am unfit to be in Their presence. I hope you don't have a problem with my beliefs. I'm not out to convert anybody. I just want to live my life and be at peace.