Anger

Yesterday, I got angry. No, not at anything trivial. I got angry at myself. I was enraged. I was livid. I'm sure you're asking yourself why.

For the past seven months, I have allowed the most morbid and vile thoughts to rule my mind. Medicine helped, but all of it came back this week. Instead of doing what I did the first time (crying, pleading with whatever is out there, contemplating suicide), I felt this massive amount of rage explode inside of me. I thought to myself, what right does my mind have to make me go batshit crazy over things like this? I was furious at myself for being so weak and for putting myself and my family through the hell of not knowing whether or not I was going to freak out and wind up in a straitjacket.

Excuse me, now I am crying, and I don't know why. Maybe it's all the poison releasing from my body. Maybe it's the fact that I'm listening to "Tha Crossroads" by Bone Thugs N Harmony (yeah yeah, no smartass comments).

I'm sorry, I'm trying so hard to convey what I feel right now, and I can't. It is a hard road to go when you're battling personal demons. It is even harder when you have no faith whatsoever. Last June, I thought I had found peace. I thought I had found God. I thought I would be okay. Come September, all gone.

I want to say I believe in something, ANYTHING, but I can't. My faith, my soul, my conscience have all been shaken so much that I find myself skeptical, unbelieving, and so damned scared. I can't articulate what I am scared of. Maybe I'm scared that there is nothing out there that watches over us. Maybe I'm scared that nothing is waiting for us after we die. Maybe I'm scared that I won't see my son grow up or that he won't even be given the chance to grow up.

You can see why I'm reluctant to type what I'm feeling, not only because I suck at being eloquent, but also because I come off as a real nutjob.

I ask, if you are spiritual or have a personal relationship with the deity of your choice, to pray for me. Goodness knows I can't pray for myself anymore.

I know this post is cutting off rather abruptly, but I can't type anymore. Maybe I'll continue my train of thought (that totally derailed midway through) tomorrow.