I'm sitting here just randomly looking crap up on the internet, totally feeling like a sack of shit (yay stupid cold), when in wanders my four year old. He had been hanging in his room with Daddy, but came to see what I was doing. All of a sudden, he says, "I'm going to put this (this being the tortilla warmer) away." He picks up the styrofoam container off the table, walks over to the cabinet, opens the door, turns the lazy susan to the right place, and puts it in there. Then he shuts the door, says, "It's put away!" and gallops off to his room.
I am amused and touched.
Monday, March 23, 2009
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Mmmm.....Lung Butter
I've been sick for the past week, possibly because I committed the sin of indulging in a mommy's night out last Friday. How dare I leave the boys at home to fend for themselves while I enjoy the sights of Chicago?!
So yeah, coughing a lot now and feeling like I'm going to lose my voice. Whiskey and tea only do so much.
Too much going through my mind right now to put into words. Maybe when I'm better, I'll be able to articulate all my thoughts.
So yeah, coughing a lot now and feeling like I'm going to lose my voice. Whiskey and tea only do so much.
Too much going through my mind right now to put into words. Maybe when I'm better, I'll be able to articulate all my thoughts.
Saturday, March 14, 2009
WRONG
I was going to write about my night off from mommyhood and what I did, but I have better stuff to type about.
Depeche Mode. My ex turned me on to them in 2003, and I've been in love with Dave Gahan's voice (and him....he's pretty damned hot for being almost 47 and an ex-junkie) ever since. I also need to send a shout out to Martin L. Gore for his vocals on "A Question of Lust" and "Home", one of my most favorite songs (EVAR!) by them. Anyway, they have a new CD coming out in April titled, "Sounds of the Universe". The single "Wrong" has already been released. The first time I heard it, I was like, "WTF is this? This doesn't sound like them at ALL!" The beats sounded off. Then I kept listening. And listening. And listening. I bought it from iTunes and listened some more. Then I dredged up the lyrics, and holy shit, this describes me! So now I'm claiming it as MY personal anthem (along with "It's A Sin" by the Pet Shop Boys). Here are the lyrics and video. I'm not sure if the lyrics are entirely correct, but they seem to fit, so hopefully they are right.
Before anyone asks, no, I am not getting paid to promote them. This song has really just gotten under my skin, and I love the hell out of it. Also, I am not a rabid fan, so I probably couldn't answer any pertinent questions about them until I asked my music guru.
"Wrong" -Depeche Mode (written by Martin L. Gore)
Wrong
Wrong
Wrong
Wrong
I was born with the wrong sign
In the wrong house
With the wrong ascendancy
I took the wrong road
That led to the wrong tendencies
I was in the wrong place at the wrong time
For the wrong reason and the wrong rhyme
On the wrong day of the wrong week
I used the wrong method with the wrong technique
Wrong
Wrong
There's something wrong with me
Chemically
Something wrong with me
Inherently
The wrong mix in the wrong genes
I reached the wrong ends by the wrong means
It was the wrong plan
In the wrong hands
With the wrong theory for the wrong man
The wrong lies, on the wrong vibes
The wrong questions with the wrong replies
Wrong
Wrong
I was marching to the wrong drum
With the wrong scum
Pissing out the wrong energy
Using all the wrong lines
And the wrong signs
With the wrong intensity
I was on the wrong page of the wrong book
With the wrong rendition of the wrong hook
Made the wrong move, every wrong night
With the wrong tune played till it sounded right yah
Wrong
Wrong
Too long
Wrong
Too long
Wrong
Too long
Wrong
Too long
Wrong
Too long
I was born with the wrong sign
In the wrong house
With the wrong ascendancy
I took the wrong road
That led to the wrong tendencies
I was in the wrong place at the wrong time
For the wrong reason and the wrong rhyme
On the wrong day of the wrong week
I used the wrong method with the wrong technique
Wrong
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5bsXOcK9_Cw
Depeche Mode. My ex turned me on to them in 2003, and I've been in love with Dave Gahan's voice (and him....he's pretty damned hot for being almost 47 and an ex-junkie) ever since. I also need to send a shout out to Martin L. Gore for his vocals on "A Question of Lust" and "Home", one of my most favorite songs (EVAR!) by them. Anyway, they have a new CD coming out in April titled, "Sounds of the Universe". The single "Wrong" has already been released. The first time I heard it, I was like, "WTF is this? This doesn't sound like them at ALL!" The beats sounded off. Then I kept listening. And listening. And listening. I bought it from iTunes and listened some more. Then I dredged up the lyrics, and holy shit, this describes me! So now I'm claiming it as MY personal anthem (along with "It's A Sin" by the Pet Shop Boys). Here are the lyrics and video. I'm not sure if the lyrics are entirely correct, but they seem to fit, so hopefully they are right.
Before anyone asks, no, I am not getting paid to promote them. This song has really just gotten under my skin, and I love the hell out of it. Also, I am not a rabid fan, so I probably couldn't answer any pertinent questions about them until I asked my music guru.
"Wrong" -Depeche Mode (written by Martin L. Gore)
Wrong
Wrong
Wrong
Wrong
I was born with the wrong sign
In the wrong house
With the wrong ascendancy
I took the wrong road
That led to the wrong tendencies
I was in the wrong place at the wrong time
For the wrong reason and the wrong rhyme
On the wrong day of the wrong week
I used the wrong method with the wrong technique
Wrong
Wrong
There's something wrong with me
Chemically
Something wrong with me
Inherently
The wrong mix in the wrong genes
I reached the wrong ends by the wrong means
It was the wrong plan
In the wrong hands
With the wrong theory for the wrong man
The wrong lies, on the wrong vibes
The wrong questions with the wrong replies
Wrong
Wrong
I was marching to the wrong drum
With the wrong scum
Pissing out the wrong energy
Using all the wrong lines
And the wrong signs
With the wrong intensity
I was on the wrong page of the wrong book
With the wrong rendition of the wrong hook
Made the wrong move, every wrong night
With the wrong tune played till it sounded right yah
Wrong
Wrong
Too long
Wrong
Too long
Wrong
Too long
Wrong
Too long
Wrong
Too long
I was born with the wrong sign
In the wrong house
With the wrong ascendancy
I took the wrong road
That led to the wrong tendencies
I was in the wrong place at the wrong time
For the wrong reason and the wrong rhyme
On the wrong day of the wrong week
I used the wrong method with the wrong technique
Wrong
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5bsXOcK9_Cw
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Anger
Yesterday, I got angry. No, not at anything trivial. I got angry at myself. I was enraged. I was livid. I'm sure you're asking yourself why.
For the past seven months, I have allowed the most morbid and vile thoughts to rule my mind. Medicine helped, but all of it came back this week. Instead of doing what I did the first time (crying, pleading with whatever is out there, contemplating suicide), I felt this massive amount of rage explode inside of me. I thought to myself, what right does my mind have to make me go batshit crazy over things like this? I was furious at myself for being so weak and for putting myself and my family through the hell of not knowing whether or not I was going to freak out and wind up in a straitjacket.
Excuse me, now I am crying, and I don't know why. Maybe it's all the poison releasing from my body. Maybe it's the fact that I'm listening to "Tha Crossroads" by Bone Thugs N Harmony (yeah yeah, no smartass comments).
I'm sorry, I'm trying so hard to convey what I feel right now, and I can't. It is a hard road to go when you're battling personal demons. It is even harder when you have no faith whatsoever. Last June, I thought I had found peace. I thought I had found God. I thought I would be okay. Come September, all gone.
I want to say I believe in something, ANYTHING, but I can't. My faith, my soul, my conscience have all been shaken so much that I find myself skeptical, unbelieving, and so damned scared. I can't articulate what I am scared of. Maybe I'm scared that there is nothing out there that watches over us. Maybe I'm scared that nothing is waiting for us after we die. Maybe I'm scared that I won't see my son grow up or that he won't even be given the chance to grow up.
You can see why I'm reluctant to type what I'm feeling, not only because I suck at being eloquent, but also because I come off as a real nutjob.
I ask, if you are spiritual or have a personal relationship with the deity of your choice, to pray for me. Goodness knows I can't pray for myself anymore.
I know this post is cutting off rather abruptly, but I can't type anymore. Maybe I'll continue my train of thought (that totally derailed midway through) tomorrow.
For the past seven months, I have allowed the most morbid and vile thoughts to rule my mind. Medicine helped, but all of it came back this week. Instead of doing what I did the first time (crying, pleading with whatever is out there, contemplating suicide), I felt this massive amount of rage explode inside of me. I thought to myself, what right does my mind have to make me go batshit crazy over things like this? I was furious at myself for being so weak and for putting myself and my family through the hell of not knowing whether or not I was going to freak out and wind up in a straitjacket.
Excuse me, now I am crying, and I don't know why. Maybe it's all the poison releasing from my body. Maybe it's the fact that I'm listening to "Tha Crossroads" by Bone Thugs N Harmony (yeah yeah, no smartass comments).
I'm sorry, I'm trying so hard to convey what I feel right now, and I can't. It is a hard road to go when you're battling personal demons. It is even harder when you have no faith whatsoever. Last June, I thought I had found peace. I thought I had found God. I thought I would be okay. Come September, all gone.
I want to say I believe in something, ANYTHING, but I can't. My faith, my soul, my conscience have all been shaken so much that I find myself skeptical, unbelieving, and so damned scared. I can't articulate what I am scared of. Maybe I'm scared that there is nothing out there that watches over us. Maybe I'm scared that nothing is waiting for us after we die. Maybe I'm scared that I won't see my son grow up or that he won't even be given the chance to grow up.
You can see why I'm reluctant to type what I'm feeling, not only because I suck at being eloquent, but also because I come off as a real nutjob.
I ask, if you are spiritual or have a personal relationship with the deity of your choice, to pray for me. Goodness knows I can't pray for myself anymore.
I know this post is cutting off rather abruptly, but I can't type anymore. Maybe I'll continue my train of thought (that totally derailed midway through) tomorrow.
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
It's Back Again....
...and I don't want it.
I hate anxiety. I hate feeling like this. I hate living a life dictated by a truly warped mind.
All I want to do is go back to how I felt before September. I was happy then, living my life, enjoying my son's antics, trying to get healthy, and suffering from minor depression. Now I'm fearful, scared that something will happen, without faith of any kind, and feeling truly terrified that I won't see another day. I love my son with all my heart and soul, but I feel like I'm neglecting him because I can't concentrate on anything else. We went to the museum yesterday, and I felt okay, but still kind of wary. Then last night, the anxiety came back in full bloom. I thought perhaps I was just tired from the long day, and if I slept, it would disappear. It didn't, and now I will have to see my doctor to get the Paxil upped and get more scripts for Xanax.
I just want to be (somewhat) normal. It's not happening.
I hate anxiety. I hate feeling like this. I hate living a life dictated by a truly warped mind.
All I want to do is go back to how I felt before September. I was happy then, living my life, enjoying my son's antics, trying to get healthy, and suffering from minor depression. Now I'm fearful, scared that something will happen, without faith of any kind, and feeling truly terrified that I won't see another day. I love my son with all my heart and soul, but I feel like I'm neglecting him because I can't concentrate on anything else. We went to the museum yesterday, and I felt okay, but still kind of wary. Then last night, the anxiety came back in full bloom. I thought perhaps I was just tired from the long day, and if I slept, it would disappear. It didn't, and now I will have to see my doctor to get the Paxil upped and get more scripts for Xanax.
I just want to be (somewhat) normal. It's not happening.
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