So yeah. End of July. Figured out that traveling was a trigger. Didn't matter if it was just down the street or to the suburbs. I'd find myself clenching my fists or holding on to the "oh shit" handle or just breathing deeply and practically fucking hyperventilating. Fun times.
My sister showed up for her annual visit at the beginning of August. This was kind of a blessing, because we both have our issues, and even though we can get into some screaming fights, we understand each other's bullshit mental probs. We did do a lot of things, and I usually enjoyed them, but the car trips. Yeah. Just...ugh.
I started eventually getting to the point that I did not want to do anything or go anywhere. It was hard to convince myself that nothing would happen, that I would be fine.
It didn't really work.
Towards the end of August, my sister was getting ready to go home. I was actually supposed to leave for Michigan on the day she left. My friends had generously offered to take me to a concert, and I had accepted. Except....it did not happen.
On the Thursday before I was supposed to leave, my sister and I had been planning on going to the Art Institute. That also did not happen. The mere thought of getting on a bus made me turn into a panicky ball of mush. I don't know why. It was four miles by bus, but I could NOT bring myself to do it. The thought of being on a bus, being out in public, was just....I could not deal. So we stayed home. I felt guilty, like I was keeping my sister from going.
Friday night rolled around, and my sister had gone out for one last hurrah in Chicago. I was packing stuff and getting ready to shower. My mind was racing around with "what-ifs" again. "What if the train derails?" "What if we crash on the way to the station?" "What if something totally implausible happens?" It eventually got to the point where I just sat on the bathroom floor and cried. I couldn't help it. My mind was just melting down, and it only got worse as I figured I was going to be ruining everyone else's good time because I was being so unreasonable.
But I could not do it. I could not force myself to get on the train. The more I thought about it, the more I freaked out. It was one of the most pathetic moments of my life.
The end result was me canceling my plans. My friends were understanding, albeit disappointed. For some reason, they like having me around, and I wish I could have seen them. I got refunds on my tickets and felt even more guilty about how I was acting. My sister gave me some of her Xanax to tide me over until I started getting back on my feet and got in to see my doctor. Yes, I know sharing medication is bad, but 1. I've taken it before and 2. I was in a pretty bad way. It was either that or go fucking nuts.
My sister left that Saturday morning. I popped a Xanax, took a deep breath, and got in the car. We took her to the airport (which was upsetting in itself....I hate goodbyes), stopped to eat breakfast, and then came home. We eventually went out again to get groceries, but I refused to go to Indiana like we normally do. It was hard enough getting into the car and shopping locally. I couldn't imagine what a 30 mile drive (each way) would do to me.
So the month of September passed by, and here we are. September was.....interesting. I was sick a lot. Ear infection. Lap band going screwy again (which I'll get to in another post). I also rarely left the house, which was probably a bad thing. I did talk to my doctor about the anxiety, and she recommended a few things, but I was reluctant to go back on medicine. I still am.
I'm getting better though. Like I told my friend, I may have just needed some time to get over the whole road trip and resulting fuckery. I find it is somewhat easier for me to travel, with the exception of longer jaunts. I was pretty jumpy when we drove to Indiana for groceries this past week. Luckily I had some leftover painkillers that calmed me down. And in case you think I'm a nutty pill popper, my back was hurting as well, so it killed two birds with one stone. I also have a couple of longer distances to drive in the next few weeks, so this should either help me get used to traveling more or put me completely on edge. I'm also much more relaxed on shorter public transit journeys.
So that is my story. I will probably not do another road trip for a very very very VERY long time, but I'm not ruling them out completely. When I wasn't completely fucking jumpy, we had a lot of fun. I just wish that the fun would have been ongoing rather than sporadic.
Finished. Finally.
No comments:
Post a Comment