Thursday, March 12, 2015

Binge

A few weeks ago, I ran across this article. Go ahead and read it. You won't understand the rest of what I write if you don't. I promise you won't regret it.

Done reading? Good. Now I can get on to why I'm blogging about said story.

While the author had a radically different weight-loss surgery from my own, her weight gain story is the same. Binge eating brought us to this point. Binge eating was not addressed in the consults for weight-loss surgery. I too had a psychologist visit before I got the crap-band. It sounded the same as hers, depression and (this part still makes me laugh) lack of friendships outside the internet. Other than that, go ahead and get cut open. Surgery done, sent home, nothing to address what our minds do to us. Continued binge eating.

Yeah, I said it. I binge eat still, and while I'm not gaining weight, I'm not losing anything, either. I eat too much crap when I'm depressed, stressed, bored, tired, drunk....the list goes on and on. Do I regret it? Yes, every single time. Do I promise myself I'll stop and do things right starting the next week? Yes, and of course it has to start next week, on a Monday, because it makes perfect fucking sense in my food-addled mind. New week, new start.

If you looked at my life story, you can see why I binge eat. Lots of things happened to me that I do not want to discuss (in public, anyway). My salvation was eating to numb the pain. Eating to numb the anger. Eating to feel happy. Thirty fucking years of bullshit welling up and here is the result: still fat, still feeling shame, still feeling sadness. The only difference is that I'm older, the weight is not going to come off as easy as the last time I lost a huge amount of fat, and now I have a piece of plastic that is slowly trying to kill me, but I can't afford to have it taken out.

You can see why this story struck a chord with me. Everything is similar. The doctors don't get that we need our minds sorted before they start cutting into us to rearrange organs, place medical devices, or staple stomachs. They think that a surgery can fix everything, and that we just have to "try harder" and be "mindful of calories". Seriously, that was said to me. By a doctor.

This is another thing that irks me. People thinking that weight loss is easy and that surgery is a quick fix or a cop out. I used to think that. I no longer do. When you have a food obsession, nothing is easy. Everything is difficult. It is not like addictions to other things. We can live without alcohol or cigarettes or drugs. We can't live without food. A band around your stomach is not going to stop you from eating a tub of ice cream if you feel like everyone fucking hates you. Gastric bypass won't stop you from eating the wrong things, even if you know you will suffer the consequences later.

Don't get me wrong. I know the surgeries are successful for countless people, BUT......there is always going to be a small group of patients who don't get that success. It could be because the surgery was faulty. It could be because the medical device is shitty and should be off the market (see: my battle with the crap-band). Then you have the people who cannot stop eating, and while I hate my failure of a surgery, I can't just blame it for my weight and mental issues.

This is what it was and still is like for me. Food is comfort. Food is love. Food is acceptance. That is why it is absolutely fucking ridiculous that more counseling is not offered before surgeons start sharpening their knives. Shit like this needs to be addressed before AND after any type of weight-loss surgery, or else you end up in the same spot, except with messed up insides and shitty health issues.

1 comment:

  1. I understand where you are coming from,I have the same issues, I love food,it consoles me,makes me happy. I eat when I am sad,happy,depressed,angry,or it is jus there and I know it! Well screw it! The husband is still with me,wrinkles fat and saggy skin,he still tells me he loves me. Well that is all that matters to me . My skinny days are over,so now I will make me a raisin cinnamon bagel with cream cheese!.

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