Friday, June 27, 2014

Like A Broken Record...

Called up a bit ago to talk to the people at the lap band clinic. Unfortunately they close at three on Fridays. So I just left a detailed message.

I am tired of this. I wake up every day wondering if this shit is going to hurt me. I wonder if it's causing irreparable damage to my insides. I tried to ride it out, tried to say that it was all in my head, that it was my stomach acting stupid, but in my heart, I know it's not. It's this fucking lap band.

You're probably wondering why I haven't had it removed yet. Good question. There's not a good answer. Surgeon was reluctant to remove it. Physician's Assistant insisted it was my fault. My head told me I didn't give it a chance and I should just keep pushing it and think of the medical bills because you know insurance won't cover removal so you should just fucking deal with it. This is not healthy. Not for me, not for my son, not for my husband.

I'm also scared of that one thing that happens to some people when you they have surgery. You know, the big thing called death. I've had four surgeries related to the band. Each time I woke up from them, my life felt a little bit less. Each time I came out of anesthesia, I felt a little bit worse.

I can't fucking go on like this anymore though. I can't keep living my life being scared that this thing is going to fuck me up to the point that I'll be left incapable of swallowing, without a stomach, hooked up to a feeding tube (all things that have happened to people who have had serious complications). I can't keep being afraid to be active because I might pull something, twist something, cause something to put me in pain. I try to eat healthy, but it's for nothing since I'm too scared to exercise much. I'm just waiting for the day that my body says, "You know what? You had your chance to keep us healthy and you blew it. Fuck you."

I don't know what's going to happen now. Just pray for me, I guess. Or send good thoughts that I'll be able to get what I need without going into debt or dying in the process.

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