....

I am writing this as my hosts stepped out for a moment.

I really didn't want to acknowledge it earlier.  I tried to forget.

I can't.

My panic and anxiety are back.  My depression is hitting full force.  I am turning into a shitty house guest.  I'm trying to keep my spirits up, to ignore the dark feelings, but they are starting to overwhelm me.

I want to cry.  I want to rage that it is all coming back.  I want to not have to go back on my meds.

But I know it's coming.  I can feel it.

Every ache and pain in my body is sending me into a tailspin.  Every rapid heartbeat is making my anxiety ramp up, even though the anxiety is causing it in the first place.

Oh gods, I never wanted to be in this place again.  I hate the way the medicine takes away my ability to feel.  I hate how it turns me into a zombie.

But I hate feeling like I have nothing to live for, like my life is just one full of sorrow and panic.  For no reason.

I guess Tuesday morning I will call for an appointment to get back on Paxil.

Fuck you, mind.  Fuck YOU.