Broken Again

Yesterday, after almost six months of having the Lap Band and having to have one revision surgery, I was to have my first fill. This did not happen. Why? Because the same problem presented itself as it did in August: a disconnected tube. To say that I was horrified would be an understatement. I knew though. I bloody knew when I started having pains last week and they felt the same as the last time. I was hoping that I was wrong, but I wasn’t. I wasn’t.

When the PA stuck the needle into the port and injected the fluid, I could feel it go all over inside my body, and I knew. When I saw her look of disbelief and anger, I knew. When, after she injected like 5cc of fluid and still nothing could be withdrawn, I knew. Granted, it hasn’t been confirmed yet by the Xrays, but even she said that she was about 99% sure that it was disconnected again. I’d say those are pretty damn good odds that I’m facing another revision surgery. The question is, do I even WANT them to attempt to fix it?

I’ve been thinking about this since the Xray yesterday. In between numbness, crying, and anger, I have asked myself if I want them reconnecting it and possibly having it fall apart again. I think that if I went that route, I’d ask them to replace the port and tubing at the minimum, because honestly? I can’t take anymore fucking surgery. I didn’t expect the surgery in August, and after having the surgeon reassure me that this was a rare occurrence, I certainly didn’t expect to be facing surgery again after only two months. Hell, not even two months. More like six weeks.

But if I have them remove the band, what will happen with my weight? I know damned well I’m not strong enough to battle it on my own. Then again, I guess this band hasn’t done much since it has never been filled. It has offered a little restriction, but I could eat like I used to if I wanted. I just haven’t been.

I guess I’m scared that if I get the band taken out, the whole “lose weight with this tool“ mentality will disappear. I’m also terrified that I won’t be able to drop the rest of the weight nor maintain a healthy body. I don’t want to go back to the way I used to be, but I know that without this band, I will. I have zero willpower, and even if I have a massive support system, I know that wouldn’t stop me from pigging out.

I don’t want that, but I don’t want to have surgery every other month, either. Jeez, why couldn’t I have had a normal body or at least a normal weight loss surgery? Why does everything in my life have to be so fucking difficult?

Shit.