Beyond that paragraph, I’m drawing a blank. Thirty is supposed to be this momentous occasion, and I’m just “meh” about it. I’m not really celebrating it in any way. I have no money to do so, and even if I did, I don’t trust anyone to watch my kid. I’ve already received more presents than I deserve from my family. I am blessed to have my family and my friends. I am grateful to be alive, albeit in a permanent state of insanity.
Here’s hoping that my 30s are smoother sailing than my 20s were.
Since I’m not really feeling the whole writing thing, I asked my friends and family on Facebook and a message board to leave some questions for me to answer. Maybe that will help pull this post out of the shit pile it’s in. Here we go:
The first one comes from my friend, Maria: “Other than the obvious - (husband and son) what are you most proud of?”
There are many things I’m proud of (husband and son first, of course), but the one thing that sticks out for me is my perseverance in battling my mind and all its quirks. I’ve known that I have had “issues” since I was 16, but they didn’t fully come out until I was 28. It has taken me many therapy sessions and countless pills to get it under control, but I finally feel that I can go out and not have a meltdown. I feel that I can control my emotional eating, and although I do slip up sometimes, I don‘t beat myself up over it any longer. I feel that I can go into shops and not spend money I do not have (shredding my credit cards helped with that one). Since I’ve reined in the bad thoughts, I have expressed a desire to LIVE, and I will not let go of this feeling without a fight.
The second question comes from my husband, Kin: "Now that you've seen what you've seen, what are you going to do moving forward to improve on your life?"
This question threw me for a loop because I’m having a reading comprehension fail. I finally had my husband explain it to me, and basically it boils down to, “What are you going to do to build upon what you have experienced, both good and bad, in your life?”
Good question. The bad things that I’ve experienced in my life usually involved my brain and my crazy tendencies, so I plan on keeping them at bay with a combination of therapy, writing, and good ol’ Paxil and Xanax. I eventually hope to get past it all and live my life without the help of drugs. I’ll probably keep my psychologist around for a couple of years, though. It is cathartic to spill my guts every week or two, especially because I know the people in my life will not have to listen to my psychobabble bullshit.
As for building on the good things, I think I will just keep on doing what I’m doing. This boils down to keeping up a good relationship with my family, maintaining the weight loss journal and exercising, working on my mathematics, and trying to rebuild my actual offline life. Oh, and my husband just reminded me that I need to keep up my lackadaisical practice of my guitar. Now my husband is just being a butt pirate, so I’m going to throw my phone at him and move on to the next question.
No, I didn’t really throw the phone at him.
I have two questions from my friend, Jack, who was the only one who had the balls (literally!) to ask a dirty question. I was expecting more questions of this nature, but my friends let me down. That gives me the sads. So, the dirty question: "What fantasies have you not yet entertained?"
To put it in the most blunt terms: a threesome. I’d prefer male/male/female, but I’m down with female/female/male. I don’t think it will happen now because I’m married and tend to be pretty serious (surprisingly) about my marriage vows, but when I was single, I totally would have. Also, my husband has some sort of squicky feeling about having another guy around for the sex, but he has no problem with another woman. Hypocrite.
The second, more serious question from Jack is: "What are your major plans for the upcoming year(s)? e.g., starting/finishing school, moving to wherever, having more chilluns, etc.”
My plans for the immediate future (this year) involve getting the SAT study guide and busting my ass to get it all down pat. I need to apply for FAFSA to get funding for schooling. I’m also hoping (but not counting on any more…I’ll bitch about this in another post) that I’ll get my Lap Band surgery and lose the weight that I need to. In the coming years, I hope to get into a University so I can start on the road to getting my Bachelor’s degree in Physics. I do want another child, which will make the schooling situation awkward, but I figure I can at least finish up my Bachelor’s before popping out another kid, since I have to lose weight anyways before getting pregnant again. As for moving, that will be decided when my husband finishes up his PhD program. Where we move to is also dependent on what he decides to do (I’m hoping back to California…or maybe North Carolina). Wherever he goes though, so go I. I’m obedient like that or some shit.
My friend Tammy wants to know: “Who, in your 30 years so far, has been the biggest contributor to the person you are today? And how/why?”
Wow. This is a tough one to write out and admit. I’m sure she was expecting me to say my husband or my son, but I’d have to say that it was someone (whose name shall not be mentioned) that I was friends with for a long time, but who turned out to be less than I expected in the end. I became friends with them in 2002, fell in love the same year, lost weight for them, did things for them, almost lost my family over them, and had my heart broken by them in 2003. There is so much more to this story that I can’t really type out at this moment, but this person influenced my life for a very short time and, despite being a less than stellar person, introduced me to a world that I had never experienced before….70s classic rock. No, just kidding. It was a world where I was loved for the first time, and I realized how much love I had to give back. That love flowed over eventually into my husband. I guess what I’m trying to say is that this person taught me how to love and be loved, to realize that I didn’t have to be that shy little person any longer, and that I was worthy to have a wonderful life. Like I said earlier though, appearances can be deceiving, and this person is no longer a part of my life, due to some major disagreements in our ways of thinking. I wish them well, but I no longer want them around.
My buddy Patrick asks: “What are your plans in your 30th year of living?”
To get STOOPID! Nah, to just take each day as it comes and improve upon it for my benefit and my family’s benefit.
And finally, my home girl Q wants to know: “Since your birthdays (mine and my husband’s….his is on the 16th) are so close together do you celebrate them together or separately? I mean independently."
We sort of meet in the middle to celebrate. It saves time and money. Ha!
So ends my thirtieth year post. If I get any more questions, I’ll post them up here with updates. Thanks to everyone who participated in my silliness. You guys rule.
Happy birthday to me!
No, I didn’t really throw the phone at him.
I have two questions from my friend, Jack, who was the only one who had the balls (literally!) to ask a dirty question. I was expecting more questions of this nature, but my friends let me down. That gives me the sads. So, the dirty question: "What fantasies have you not yet entertained?"
To put it in the most blunt terms: a threesome. I’d prefer male/male/female, but I’m down with female/female/male. I don’t think it will happen now because I’m married and tend to be pretty serious (surprisingly) about my marriage vows, but when I was single, I totally would have. Also, my husband has some sort of squicky feeling about having another guy around for the sex, but he has no problem with another woman. Hypocrite.
The second, more serious question from Jack is: "What are your major plans for the upcoming year(s)? e.g., starting/finishing school, moving to wherever, having more chilluns, etc.”
My plans for the immediate future (this year) involve getting the SAT study guide and busting my ass to get it all down pat. I need to apply for FAFSA to get funding for schooling. I’m also hoping (but not counting on any more…I’ll bitch about this in another post) that I’ll get my Lap Band surgery and lose the weight that I need to. In the coming years, I hope to get into a University so I can start on the road to getting my Bachelor’s degree in Physics. I do want another child, which will make the schooling situation awkward, but I figure I can at least finish up my Bachelor’s before popping out another kid, since I have to lose weight anyways before getting pregnant again. As for moving, that will be decided when my husband finishes up his PhD program. Where we move to is also dependent on what he decides to do (I’m hoping back to California…or maybe North Carolina). Wherever he goes though, so go I. I’m obedient like that or some shit.
My friend Tammy wants to know: “Who, in your 30 years so far, has been the biggest contributor to the person you are today? And how/why?”
Wow. This is a tough one to write out and admit. I’m sure she was expecting me to say my husband or my son, but I’d have to say that it was someone (whose name shall not be mentioned) that I was friends with for a long time, but who turned out to be less than I expected in the end. I became friends with them in 2002, fell in love the same year, lost weight for them, did things for them, almost lost my family over them, and had my heart broken by them in 2003. There is so much more to this story that I can’t really type out at this moment, but this person influenced my life for a very short time and, despite being a less than stellar person, introduced me to a world that I had never experienced before….70s classic rock. No, just kidding. It was a world where I was loved for the first time, and I realized how much love I had to give back. That love flowed over eventually into my husband. I guess what I’m trying to say is that this person taught me how to love and be loved, to realize that I didn’t have to be that shy little person any longer, and that I was worthy to have a wonderful life. Like I said earlier though, appearances can be deceiving, and this person is no longer a part of my life, due to some major disagreements in our ways of thinking. I wish them well, but I no longer want them around.
My buddy Patrick asks: “What are your plans in your 30th year of living?”
To get STOOPID! Nah, to just take each day as it comes and improve upon it for my benefit and my family’s benefit.
And finally, my home girl Q wants to know: “Since your birthdays (mine and my husband’s….his is on the 16th) are so close together do you celebrate them together or separately? I mean independently."
We sort of meet in the middle to celebrate. It saves time and money. Ha!
So ends my thirtieth year post. If I get any more questions, I’ll post them up here with updates. Thanks to everyone who participated in my silliness. You guys rule.
Happy birthday to me!
Great entry, Jess. I'm glad you took the time to write it. I should have also asked "what fantasies have you entertained?", cause it looks like there aren't a lot left! lmao - Jack
ReplyDeleteHappy BIrthday! I felt the same way regarding not making it to 30. A few more months, and I'll be there too.
ReplyDelete