Belated Resolutions

New Year’s resolution #1 -stop procrastinating.

Whoops. Broke that one already.

New Year’s resolution #2 -exercise more, eat less, and breathe down the necks of the dumb fucks at the Lap Band clinic.

This one is easier to keep, although I’m about at the end of my rope in regards to that fucking clinic. If, a few months down the road, I still haven’t received the band and I’m losing weight just fine, I’m going to seriously tell them to fuck off. That might come sooner rather than later, though.

New Year’s resolution #3 -stop fucking worrying all the time and gain my sanity back.

This is ongoing. I suspect it will always be so.

New Year’s resolution #4 -stop fucking cussing all the damned time.

No wait. Disregard that one.

And the final resolution, and the big one to me -give up a major portion of the internet and discover what I‘ve lost. This is a HUGE deal for me, which is explained semi-coherently in the paragraphs below.

Lately, I have been feeling disconnected from my online life. I go on and read things, but I don’t feel any sparks or zest for it like I used to. Not that long ago, I’d spend the better part of my days and nights on the internet, reading, commenting, mocking, status updating, etc. Now I’m just sort of, “Meh.” about it all. I think my real life is calling me back into its arms, and I’m not going to let that opportunity slip away.

The only problem is….I don’t know how to live that life anymore. I have no real life friends around here that I can just call and hang with. I have no job. I won’t start school for another year and a half (had to push it back…circumstances have changed), and I can’t get out and walk like I used to because it’s ass biting cold right now. My mind is slowly turning into mush from lack of communication/interaction, and I HATE IT.

If I were to truly be honest with myself, I would have to say that I’ve been addicted to the internet for the longest time. I think it started when we moved here and that addiction got progressively worse. Having a mental breakdown did not help things. In fact, I think it made my dependence on the internet even more prevalent because I was reading too much into what was happening with my mind and what was causing the meltdown.

When I first started using the internet in 1999, it was an occasional thing because dial-up took forever and it used to drop a lot. The frequency of my usage increased in 2002, but I still managed to live outside the keyboard. Nowadays, I spend more time than I care to think about on here. A couple of nights ago, I was copying my old blog posts from MySpace and saving them on Word. Some of the entries that I read showed what my life was like before the whole dependency. I had a life, albeit a semi-boring one, but still, it was a life. It disappeared.

If the 2000s were the decade of excessive internet use, then I want the 2010s to be the decade of cutting back and discovering myself again. I may not make a lot of friends, I may not accomplish all I set out to do, but at least I can say that I tried. Two days ago, I shut down as much of my internet life as possible. This included cancelling my Pogo account (although still active until the subscription runs out in 10 months, so I can play if I feel the urge), shutting down any random message boards that I belonged to and didn’t post at, closing down the MySpace account, and logging out of message boards that I do frequent so I won’t be tempted to sit and post. It also included pruning down my bookmarks

So why am I blogging? An excellent question. Blogging keeps me sane, and usually I write out my posts on Word, go through it to spell check and look for crappy sentences, then just come here, copy, paste, title it, and post it. I’ll usually check back later on to see if I have comments and approve them. I don’t really consider blogging a giant waste of my time, especially if kvetching helps my sanity. The words of encouragement from my few readers does wonders for my spirits as well, and I‘d hate to lose that.

The big question now is: what will I do with all my free time? Well, there is brushing up on the maths so I can take my SATs next year. Yes, I know that a (future) 31 year old woman taking the SATs sounds ludicrous, but if I want to enter a university, I actually need to take them. On top of this preparation for school, I need to find out about any and all funding available to my poor ass to pay for my hypothetical higher education. I know it is going to cost a pretty penny, something we don’t have at the moment, but I figure if I throw myself at the mercy of the Feds, they’ll do something for me.

I will continue to exercise, which I mentioned above. Like I said, I’m getting pretty fed up with the way this Lap Band thing is going, so I might just give up on that and do my own thing again. This will require serious attitude adjustments on my part and how I feel about food. So, more hard work, less being lazy. I'm also thinking of finding the closest Overeater's Anonymous and just joining for moral support. At least that way I’m set, whichever way my weight loss journey goes.

I want to do a major blitz of my house and just get rid of useless crap. That will have to wait until the Spring though, because I need to move out a lot of stuff and sell certain things. For now, I’ll just be happy keeping on top of the housework so I don’t have to spend 6+ hours every week doing a major cleaning of it.

I want to spend more time with my family. I do okay during the day when I’m here with the kid, but in the evening, I just sort of zone out. Not a good thing. I want to hang with my husband and son, and get all competitive over stupid board and card games. We’ve actually been doing this for the past couple of nights, and I’ve had a blast. Uno is our game of choice at the moment, and it is fun to just loaf around and play it.

I want to get in some more work on my guitar. I did tune it like a month ago and never really did anything with it after that. I suck.

Last, but certainly not least, I want to rediscover my faith. I don’t know if this will take me down the path of being a Catholic again or to another branch of Christianity. This is something that I have been working on and have been waffling back and forth over. I daresay that my faith problem will ever be solved, but I would at least like to find some peace of mind (oooh, Boston song earworm now).

So ends the ramblings of me for another year, albeit six days late.