I’m not in the greatest of moods right now. Not two hours ago, I got home from the Lap Band affiliated doctor who clears you for surgery. It was not good news. I’m sure to the doctor and to the nurses who were fucking around and not doing jack shit, this was nothing. To me, it is disheartening. I have to make three appointments: two to study my heart (echo cardiogram and something else that I forgot and am too lazy to go get the paper to look up), and one to see a gastroenterologist. The first two, while unexpected, are understandable. They have to make sure that my heart is able to take the strain. The latter, not so much. The reason I have to see a gastroenterologist is embarrassing, and pointless, I might add. I’ve had the problem for all the years I was fat, it went away when I lost weight, and it came back when I gained weight. I attributed it to the fact that I was fat, that fried food does not agree with me (pan fried food as well), and that I’d have it until I lost weight again. Nope. The doctor wants to make sure it isn’t something more fun, like polyps or tears or whatever.
I’m frustrated. I’m damned frustrated, and near giving up on this whole thing. It is not just the appointments. It is the lack of help that I’m getting from this so called support system at the clinic. Why am *I* expected to make the appointments for these tests and referrals when the doctor is the one who wanted them? And I distinctly remember him saying to the nurse, “Make these appointments.” Why was *I* expected to keep up with the pre-op class schedule, when I didn’t even know we were supposed to join the Yahoo group online to find out WHEN they were? I asked today, while I was there, when the next classes were. I figured maybe, just MAYBE the nurse could have told me something. Nope. She was vague, saying it could the first week or it could be the second week of December, and was I a member of the Yahoo group? I am, I said. I was informed to keep watching that group for updates. I desperately wanted to ask her if she was going to give us more than a day’s notice next time or just spring it on us like an hour before the class. I didn’t. I should have.
I haven’t called to make the appointments yet. I started to while waiting in the lobby of the hospital for my husband to come and pick me up, but after sitting on hold for ten minutes, I just hung up. Right now, I don’t know if I want to go through with making those appointments. I don’t know if I want to go through this anymore. My mind is telling me to just say, “Fuck it all” and be fat and die in ten years. I’m starting to listen to that refrain. It is hard as hell to try and get something done to fix yourself and having all these hoops to jump through just to achieve that goal.
Could I lose weight the old fashioned way? Possibly, but every time I’ve started to, my body goes into rebellious mode and taunts me to eat, eat, eat, and forget about exercise. Or, curse Murphy’s Law, I injure myself somehow, and fall off the bandwagon. Or I eat and exercise and lose nothing, which frustrates me to the point of giving up.
This is why I wanted the lap band. Knowing that I’d have it in me, knowing that I have what amounts to an actual physical conscience chiding me every time I fuck up, knowing that I’d never be able to eat huge portions again. That’s why I wanted it. All I would have to do is look at the scar from where they put it in or feel the port where they inject the saline solution. That would be enough to stop any eating folly, to check myself while exercising so I wouldn’t overdo it and hurt something, to override the morbid thoughts. I’d like to say my family is enough to do all those things, but they aren’t. No offense to them in any way, but they can’t be there for me 24/7, watching my every move. With this, I would be held accountable for all that I did and did not do.
Fuck it, I guess.
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Lap Band, Episode IV: A New Hope
Mah bed last night.
11/18/09 7:38pm
I’m here in the sleep study room. Took me about 20 minutes to get registered. Nurse is very cool. She says she’ll start my study later since I’m a night owl. My room is on par with a Motel 6 room, not a bad thing. Got a nice big bed, my own bathroom, and a view of Lake Michigan. Well, I could see the lake if it were light. Crap, haven’t written by hand, in cursive, in a long time. My hand is starting to cramp. My cursive looks like my grandmother’s cursive writing. That makes me sad. 7:45pm
7:58pm
It feels so weird to be disconnected from everything. Usually, the TV is going (no TV), the computer is on (no computer), and my family is talking to me. Here, it is completely silent, and all I have is my music and this notebook and pencil. Yes, I have my phone, but it doesn’t do much. I feel like I’m a teenager again, with only my mind and my music to keep me occupied. Ah, to have those simpler times back. A couple more hours to go until they hook me up. 8:04pm
It feels so weird to be disconnected from everything. Usually, the TV is going (no TV), the computer is on (no computer), and my family is talking to me. Here, it is completely silent, and all I have is my music and this notebook and pencil. Yes, I have my phone, but it doesn’t do much. I feel like I’m a teenager again, with only my mind and my music to keep me occupied. Ah, to have those simpler times back. A couple more hours to go until they hook me up. 8:04pm
Really old reading material, but awesome nonetheless.
8:50pm
I have been wired to the electric thingie. There are about 17 sensors on my head, face, shoulders, and legs. They are plugged into something called a mini electrode board (which actually looks like a box), which in turn is plugged into the actual monitor. The technician is going to put me on the CPAP machine anyways, so she doesn’t have to interrupt my sleep later on. The electrodes feel funky. 8:55pm Oh yeah, and I’m thirsty.
The mini electrode circuit board thing. I could hang it around my neck for convenience!
Looking like ten shades of shit.
9:17pm
Not much longer now, I think. I have to pee again. This should be fun with the wires coming out everywhere. I’m not sure how to navigate that one. Hmmm… 9:22pm
And I stopped there because the technician came back to fit me with everything else. I eventually had 17 sensors, two belts to monitor my chest and stomach while I breathed, an oxygen sensor on my finger, and the CPAP machine mask on. It was weird and hard to navigate while I was sleeping. She took the mask off after awhile to put a sensor thing in front of my mouth and nose to check my breathing, but came back at about 3am to put the mask back on because my breathing was weird. I don’t think I slept very well, but I guess I did because she was watching it all night. So yes, it turns out that I DO have sleep apnea and I WILL need a CPAP machine. They are ordering it for me and I have to go back on December 17th to talk with the sleep disorder doctor about it all. I am hoping that this is just caused by me being overweight and that I will eventually be able to get rid of the machine. For now, I will have to use it.
As of right now, I’m just exhausted from it all, and pissed that the Lap Band clinic gave me a day’s warning about classes today. I was going to go, but to hell with it. I am TIRED, and I had no clue these classes were going on because I didn’t get the email until this morning. So I’m going to call up and bitch at them in a few minutes.
Finis.
Taken last night, but pretty much how I felt this morning.
Finis.
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Tales Of The Lap Band Journey, Part III
So after a month and some change of freakin’ waiting, I finally got some responses about what the hell was going on with my Lap Band surgery. Two weeks ago I had called the Lap Band office to see what was going on. It had already been like two and a half weeks after my appointment with the surgeon. I was getting understandably antsy about the wait, so I thought a call wouldn’t hurt. The lady that I talked to was quite pleasant and reassured me that they would be calling me to set up pre-operation classes and other appointments. That made me less antsy, but still a bit anxious because it seemed to be taking forever. Turns out I was right to be nervous.
Cut to two and a half weeks later. I’m REALLY antsy by now. I haven’t heard ANYTHING at all. Plus, I was supposed to get a letter from the sleep study clinic to explain to me what the hell was going on with that, and where I was supposed to go for it. Silence. Not being the most patient person in the world, and thinking that I’ve given them MORE than enough time, I called them on Tuesday. No answer, so I left a message. Weirdly enough, I got a call that night from the sleep study clinic, asking if I wanted to do my sleep study that night. Not being prepared for it and hubby not being home, I had to decline, but mentioned to the guy that I had not received the letter nor any paperwork. He was puzzled by that, but said he would send it out to me. I’m waiting on that and I’m hoping to see it before Wednesday. But I digress…
The Lap Band clinic returned my call yesterday. The lady was pretty annoyed that no one had called me and told me anything, but said that they were holding classes yesterday and today, and oh, the dietitian was going out of town after today’s class, so I’d have to wait two weeks before doing any more classes. That slightly ticked me off because if I had known anything about any of this, I could have already had my classes done and been one step closer to getting the surgery. Since someone dropped the ball, though, I was shit out of luck and would have to make do with today’s class and just wait. I also made an appointment for the 24th to see their doctor and go over my test results and everything.
I left for the hospital at noon today and got there with plenty of time to spare. I signed in, filled out the sheet, got weighed in (still at 394), blood pressure taken (112/80), and just waited. While waiting and talking to some other candidates for the surgery, I discovered that the clinic doesn’t call ANYONE. We were supposed to go to their Yahoo group and find out about these things. Nice of them to tell me. Shit. Anyway, we were finally led into the auditorium by a tiny Asian lady, who turned out to be our dietitian. She was bloody awesome. No nonsense, answered every question, and then made a room full of obese people get up and exercise. Contrary to popular belief, fat people can and DO exercise. It was proven today, and we did an awesome job, even the people who had trouble with their knees. I’m feeling it now, though.
So this is where I’m at right now. Playing the waiting game again. At least now I know that I’m going to have be a pain in the ass to get appointments and class times. That shouldn’t be too hard with my personality.
Cut to two and a half weeks later. I’m REALLY antsy by now. I haven’t heard ANYTHING at all. Plus, I was supposed to get a letter from the sleep study clinic to explain to me what the hell was going on with that, and where I was supposed to go for it. Silence. Not being the most patient person in the world, and thinking that I’ve given them MORE than enough time, I called them on Tuesday. No answer, so I left a message. Weirdly enough, I got a call that night from the sleep study clinic, asking if I wanted to do my sleep study that night. Not being prepared for it and hubby not being home, I had to decline, but mentioned to the guy that I had not received the letter nor any paperwork. He was puzzled by that, but said he would send it out to me. I’m waiting on that and I’m hoping to see it before Wednesday. But I digress…
The Lap Band clinic returned my call yesterday. The lady was pretty annoyed that no one had called me and told me anything, but said that they were holding classes yesterday and today, and oh, the dietitian was going out of town after today’s class, so I’d have to wait two weeks before doing any more classes. That slightly ticked me off because if I had known anything about any of this, I could have already had my classes done and been one step closer to getting the surgery. Since someone dropped the ball, though, I was shit out of luck and would have to make do with today’s class and just wait. I also made an appointment for the 24th to see their doctor and go over my test results and everything.
I left for the hospital at noon today and got there with plenty of time to spare. I signed in, filled out the sheet, got weighed in (still at 394), blood pressure taken (112/80), and just waited. While waiting and talking to some other candidates for the surgery, I discovered that the clinic doesn’t call ANYONE. We were supposed to go to their Yahoo group and find out about these things. Nice of them to tell me. Shit. Anyway, we were finally led into the auditorium by a tiny Asian lady, who turned out to be our dietitian. She was bloody awesome. No nonsense, answered every question, and then made a room full of obese people get up and exercise. Contrary to popular belief, fat people can and DO exercise. It was proven today, and we did an awesome job, even the people who had trouble with their knees. I’m feeling it now, though.
So this is where I’m at right now. Playing the waiting game again. At least now I know that I’m going to have be a pain in the ass to get appointments and class times. That shouldn’t be too hard with my personality.
Monday, November 9, 2009
Temptation, Boredom, Or Something More?
As I noted in my last post, I had an issue with debt that my in-laws are now paying for. It is not something I am proud of at all. I ran up almost $2000 on my credit card. Six months ago, my mother-in-law had graciously said that she would pay the card off when the APR kicked in this November. At the time, the amount was less than $1500 and I was paying a hefty chunk of change on it so she wouldn’t have to pay too much. However, I underestimated my compulsion to spend. It is now November, and my in-laws are paying for my folly.
My psychologist and I discussed this on Saturday and tried to figure out why I did it. I told her that I spent here and there, small amounts, but in the end, they added up and I was left with that stunning balance. She questioned if it felt like something akin to what I feel when I overeat. I acknowledged that, yes, it did feel like that: a total sense of ‘who cares, I’m going to do it, it doesn’t matter’. I said that it also happens when I’m bored. I noted that many times when I looked for something to do with my son, the first things were to 1. Go to Borders and buy books; or 2. Go to Walgreens and the supermarket, browse, and usually wind up walking out with one or two unnecessary items. I stressed to her that I felt really bad about the whole thing and that I’m sure my in-laws despise me even more now, and she said quite bluntly that they probably do because I’ve established myself as a liability.
Now please don’t think that I hate my psychologist for saying that or that she was too harsh with me. It was exactly what I needed: for someone to just say it out loud. She didn’t say it in a rude way or anything. She was just very matter of fact about it all. It resonated with me the whole day. I know to my family I seemed quite melancholy on Saturday, but really, I was just musing on what my psychologist had said and weighing my past spending actions. However, I discovered that my spending may not be all boredom, and may actually be rooted in some sort of weird compulsive disorder.
After seeing my psychologist, we had to take a few things to the Goodwill. Usually when we go to the Goodwill, we make a day of it, go out, go eat somewhere, go shopping (there we go again!), and then come home, full of food and guilt for spending money we don’t have. The spending was usually prompted by me, my husband being a person of admirable frugality. This time, we went, took the stuff to Goodwill, and were on our way home, when I asked my husband to stop at a store. I don’t know, I just felt drawn to doing so. It was like I couldn’t stop myself. Knowing that we are now on a strict budget and that his parents are watching our every financial move (their right to do so, considering how many times they have bailed us out), he was wary of taking this action. I insisted, saying that I wanted to walk a bit. So we did.
Now at this point you’re probably rolling your eyes and thinking that I spent a crapload of money on stupid stuff. You’d be wrong. I didn’t. That’s not to say I wasn’t tempted. Oh, I was, so very, very much. My son wanted a tin of holiday popcorn that was $5.99. I wanted the tin because….well, I don’t know. Just to say I bought something. My husband had gone to the restroom, so I allowed my son to put the tin in the cart. When he came back, I asked about getting it. He was hesitant, obviously. I wondered aloud if we could somehow get it without my in-laws knowing (more deception on my part…will I ever learn?), but he was still digging in his heels about it. Then I just sort of snapped out of it, I guess. I realized what I was trying to do. It was wrong and dumb. So I told my son to put the tin back. Then I marched out of the store without even looking at anything else. It was hard to do, even though I realized how idiotic it would be to spend money we don’t have.
Sunday passed without incident. I was rather proud of myself for mustering up my inner voice to yell at me about spending. This is the same inner voice that yells at me about overeating. I guess she’ll be pulling double duty from now one. Anywho, we come up to today. I was SO tempted to take my wallet with me when I went to pick up my son from school. I did a marathon cleaning session yesterday and felt like I wouldn’t be able to fix him lunch, so I would get him Subway. I left my wallet behind. The consequences right now are just too much, even though my son is very cute when he asks me if I brought my wallet (his not so subtle way of asking for Subway). I came home and made him lunch, even though I feel like someone slammed me around and my mind was fighting with itself about not being able to spend money.
This is not an easy thing to deal with. I’m pissed at myself for what I did. I’m pissed at my mind for leading me down such a rocky path. I’m sad that my in-laws probably think less of me now, more so than they did before. It is just such a shitty thing, and I have no one to blame but myself. This isn’t a pity party, though. I don’t expect sympathy at all, and would be rather pleased if people would just yell at me for being dumbth. Maybe writing about it will make it easier to cope with when I get that urge to buy things we don’t need.
My psychologist and I discussed this on Saturday and tried to figure out why I did it. I told her that I spent here and there, small amounts, but in the end, they added up and I was left with that stunning balance. She questioned if it felt like something akin to what I feel when I overeat. I acknowledged that, yes, it did feel like that: a total sense of ‘who cares, I’m going to do it, it doesn’t matter’. I said that it also happens when I’m bored. I noted that many times when I looked for something to do with my son, the first things were to 1. Go to Borders and buy books; or 2. Go to Walgreens and the supermarket, browse, and usually wind up walking out with one or two unnecessary items. I stressed to her that I felt really bad about the whole thing and that I’m sure my in-laws despise me even more now, and she said quite bluntly that they probably do because I’ve established myself as a liability.
Now please don’t think that I hate my psychologist for saying that or that she was too harsh with me. It was exactly what I needed: for someone to just say it out loud. She didn’t say it in a rude way or anything. She was just very matter of fact about it all. It resonated with me the whole day. I know to my family I seemed quite melancholy on Saturday, but really, I was just musing on what my psychologist had said and weighing my past spending actions. However, I discovered that my spending may not be all boredom, and may actually be rooted in some sort of weird compulsive disorder.
After seeing my psychologist, we had to take a few things to the Goodwill. Usually when we go to the Goodwill, we make a day of it, go out, go eat somewhere, go shopping (there we go again!), and then come home, full of food and guilt for spending money we don’t have. The spending was usually prompted by me, my husband being a person of admirable frugality. This time, we went, took the stuff to Goodwill, and were on our way home, when I asked my husband to stop at a store. I don’t know, I just felt drawn to doing so. It was like I couldn’t stop myself. Knowing that we are now on a strict budget and that his parents are watching our every financial move (their right to do so, considering how many times they have bailed us out), he was wary of taking this action. I insisted, saying that I wanted to walk a bit. So we did.
Now at this point you’re probably rolling your eyes and thinking that I spent a crapload of money on stupid stuff. You’d be wrong. I didn’t. That’s not to say I wasn’t tempted. Oh, I was, so very, very much. My son wanted a tin of holiday popcorn that was $5.99. I wanted the tin because….well, I don’t know. Just to say I bought something. My husband had gone to the restroom, so I allowed my son to put the tin in the cart. When he came back, I asked about getting it. He was hesitant, obviously. I wondered aloud if we could somehow get it without my in-laws knowing (more deception on my part…will I ever learn?), but he was still digging in his heels about it. Then I just sort of snapped out of it, I guess. I realized what I was trying to do. It was wrong and dumb. So I told my son to put the tin back. Then I marched out of the store without even looking at anything else. It was hard to do, even though I realized how idiotic it would be to spend money we don’t have.
Sunday passed without incident. I was rather proud of myself for mustering up my inner voice to yell at me about spending. This is the same inner voice that yells at me about overeating. I guess she’ll be pulling double duty from now one. Anywho, we come up to today. I was SO tempted to take my wallet with me when I went to pick up my son from school. I did a marathon cleaning session yesterday and felt like I wouldn’t be able to fix him lunch, so I would get him Subway. I left my wallet behind. The consequences right now are just too much, even though my son is very cute when he asks me if I brought my wallet (his not so subtle way of asking for Subway). I came home and made him lunch, even though I feel like someone slammed me around and my mind was fighting with itself about not being able to spend money.
This is not an easy thing to deal with. I’m pissed at myself for what I did. I’m pissed at my mind for leading me down such a rocky path. I’m sad that my in-laws probably think less of me now, more so than they did before. It is just such a shitty thing, and I have no one to blame but myself. This isn’t a pity party, though. I don’t expect sympathy at all, and would be rather pleased if people would just yell at me for being dumbth. Maybe writing about it will make it easier to cope with when I get that urge to buy things we don’t need.
Friday, November 6, 2009
Random!
-I have been continuously sick since my son started school. Usually it's just a mild sore throat or achiness. Last week, it manifested into some fun, runny nose, hack out a lung, what the hell is that yellow crap coming out of my mouth and nose sick-fest. So I've been feeling less than stellar. Now that stuff is coming out, I assume I'm getting better.
-I'm participating in NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month). My story sucks, but I don't care, because it is fun to do. No, I'm not sharing it because I'm embarrassed. Makes complete sense, yes? It is also a way for me to meet new people, but I didn't go to the big get together last weekend because I didn't feel I would fit in at that restaurant. Then I couldn't go to the Write-In at the local coffee shop on Tuesday because I was sick. There is another Write-In tomorrow at some coffee shop on the UofC campus, but I don't know if I'll make it since it starts at 10:30 and my psych appointment is at 10. Maybe the next one.
-Still no word on my surgery. I'm starting to get antsy. I called them once to bug them, but they just said that they were getting schedules and stuff together. I also haven't heard anything from the sleep study place, which is annoying because I need to get paperwork from them before I go. Oh, and it might be nice to know WHERE the sleep study is held. Remarkably, I haven't really exercised a lot because I've been sick/lazy/tired/achy, but I've still managed to lose six pounds since September. Go figure.
-I did bad stuff with money. I suck. Because of my suckitude, we are on super mega tight budget. We can't buy anything without justifying it to my in-laws since they picked up a HUGE portion of my debt. That is all I will say. Oh, and I'm pretty sure my in-laws probably want to beat my ass at this point, but it is completely justifiable on their parts.
I think that's about it. Not much else going on in my life.
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