Sitting In The Corner, Sucking My Thumb

Apparently I’m not as at peace with myself as I thought. Right now I feel an ache so deep that I can’t even describe it. Why? I don’t know. The mind and heart are funny like that sometimes. I feel like bursting into tears. I don’t know why. Maybe the week has just been crammed with too many things going on at once. I’m not used to so much activity, I guess. Doctor appointments, tests, a six hour stay at the ER last night for yet another MRSA outbreak on my face, and then. THEN. Another email. Right now I don’t feel like explaining the whole story of this email, but I will eventually. As a matter of fact, I was working on that explanation earlier today when I just started feeling really melancholy.

I’m so tired of rehashing the same old bullshit pertaining to this email. I’m 99% certain my friends are tired of hearing about it, which is why I’m typing this quick entry (two blog posts in one day….shocking for me) so I don‘t have to bitch to them in private anymore. They can‘t fix all my problems, and I‘m an adult.

None of this stress is helping me. Last night I could feel myself stop breathing when I went to bed. It scared me enough to wake me up out of that “almost asleep” point. I laid in that bed, terrified that if I went to sleep, I wouldn’t ever wake up. I daresay I will experience that same terror tonight. My sleep study can’t come fast enough. I’m also having a slight panic/anxiety/asthma attack. It is just as it sounds. I feel like I can’t breathe, which could be caused by anxiety, which causes me to panic. I’m just trying to keep myself calm and concentrate on other things. I have taken the proper meds already, but I still feel ill.

I hate this. I want my mommy.