One Year, Part Three

Note: This is the last and final part of my story. The first part can be found here. The second part is here.

So the months rolled on, and now I find myself celebrating (is that really the proper word?) the anniversary of my mental meltdown. I wish I could say that I am getting better. I’m improving, but I’m not getting better. I still get those days when I have nagging thoughts that lead to me feeling slightly panicky. I take too many pills, drink too much, and stay up too late because this past year has taken a devastating toll on my sleep patterns. I’m getting better with interacting with my family and paying more attention to my son, yet there are times when I completely space out and ignore him. It hurts him, I know. It hurts me as well because I love him beyond all measure, and I feel like he’ll hate me later on. Then there are the faith problems that I have.

I was raised Catholic, but I lapsed from it. In June of 2008, I made a commitment to renew my faith in God. That sort of fell apart several months after my breakdown when I started questioning if there was a higher being, if there was any point to life, if I was just existing for no reason whatsoever. I researched and read and looked for proof of God or a higher power. I studied different faiths, read different books on different religious points of view (and some not so religious), and worried. I finally just prayed. It helped. Like I said in a previous post, my leanings are more towards Christianity than any other religion, possibly because I grew up with a Christian faith. However, I have many beliefs that would not fit in anywhere on the fundamentalist/true devotee Christianity. So I just identify myself with Theological Evolutionists and leave it at that while I work out my problems.

So what am I doing now? I’m trying to live. My son is now in preschool, so I have the morning occupied with getting him ready for school and getting him there on time. I will be turning in my volunteer packet soon so I can have my mid-morning occupied as well. I’ve started exercising more and will be getting Lap Band surgery in the near future to help with my weight and health issues. I’m looking to start school in 2010 to get my Associate’s Degree in Science because I eventually want to go balls out and get my PhD in Physics. Oh yes, I know that sounds insane, considering the fact that something to do with PHYSICS caused me to go crazy, but there it is. However, that’s another post for another day.

I still see Dr. O once a week, but I think I have improved enough to see her twice a month. She has been an extraordinary help in making me realize that all of these things happened for other reasons that just the one that cause me to collapse last September. I have worked through my eating issues and my feelings of inadequacy. I have bawled my eyes out over the family and friends that I’ve lost over this past year to her. She has done nothing but listen and suggest and given me mental slaps to the head to snap me out of stuff. Unfortunately, she can only do so much.

Sometimes the doubts linger. Sometimes I feel the dark creepy thoughts come back. Sometimes all I want to do is cry and rage about what happened to me. Sometimes I just want to give up. Then I look at my son. I look at my husband. I look at the freakin’ DOG. Then I know that I cannot give up. I cannot let this beat me. I will make it end.

I will not continue to be a victim of my own mind. I will live my life as fully as possible until God sees fit to shuffle me off this mortal coil.

Trust.