Note: this was originally started on June 16th of this year. I last revised it on the 8th of July. Circumstances have changed as of late, but this still resonates with me because I was truly in a dark place and this just came from my heart and soul. I marvel at how I felt then and how far I have come in a single month. I'm not saying I'm completely healed, but I am on my way. That will be posted about later on though. For now, here is my offering:
I am angry.
I am angry because I have gained almost 100 lbs. over the past three years.
I am angry because, up until recently, I have not cared enough about myself to do anything.
I am angry because my body will never look normal, and I have no one to blame but myself.
I am angry because I know that I will never have the money or the time to fix what I have done.
I am angry because my mind has turned on me, and I know I will never be normal again.
I am angry because I have wasted my life with my family, and it is my fault.
I am angry that my sister did something completely stupid that could have fucking killed her.
I am angry that the loss of many people I know is due to cancer.
I am sad.
I am sad because I have experienced loss. Loss of loved ones, loss of acquaintances, loss of my own peace of mind.
I am sad because I do not know if I will ever be able to get off my meds and lead a drug free life.
I am sad because I am turning into a pill popping alcoholic.
I am sad because I still seek, but cannot find, the reassurance that there is something out there that created us, nurtures us, and lifts us up when we are down.
I am sad that I’m thought of as the villain in our little dramatic online community because the anonymity of the internet gives me the boldness to be someone else. (“Boldness is a mask for fear, however great.” -John Dryden)
I am sad because I know I should not feel this way, but I do, and nothing will ever change that.
I am sad that my sister never fully confided in me. Now I feel our close relationship is just a sham.
I am sad that my extended family has fallen apart, never to be fixed.
I am sad for so many reasons that go beyond the scope of my powers of expression.
I am lonely.
I am homesick.
I am always putting up a false front.
I am weak.
I am lazy.
I am scared.
I am tired.
I am done.
It's never too late to do something about it! Your body has the chance to look "normal," if you'd like, though what is normal isn't always the best. For example, I'd say what is deemed healthy size in our society is almost dangerously skinny. However, if you feel the desire strongly enough, you can do what it takes to lose weight, depend less on alcohol (also, you have a husband who loves you and will surely help you through any problems you have), and, well, I don't know what meds you are taking, but sometimes the mind can accomplish a lot, even what one thinks is impossible...
ReplyDeleteAnd the fact that you're willing to admit your weak in itself is a sign of strength, causing a paradox, if you'd like, or a signal that you are turning from weakness.
I like how open you are about these things, and venting is a good way to cope with anger/sadness. Hopefully you will start to feel better after some time. ;D
Hopefully that helped a little bit! Oh, and this was pretty well written, might I add.
Girl - you know what led me here, and I hope you know I will always be here. I can't offer words to help things or even try to change things, all I can offer is my friendship. On that, you can always count. I don't care what other people think of you, I have a pretty good idea of who you are and I value you A LOT. (That is to say, what you have shown me of your real self.) ;)
ReplyDeleteI do love you Girl, and please know, anytime, anywhere, I am only a phone call or text away.
xxoo