I'd Rather Be A Medicated Zombie

So I bit the bullet, went on my pharmacy account at Walmart, and refilled my prescription for Paxil.  I was supposed to get a refill way back in July, but they never sent it nor charged me for it.  That was the reason why I went off of Paxil.  But since it seems that my.....issues are coming back, I'm going to try it again.

I really don't want to.  I'm going into this kicking and screaming.  I like having emotions, dammit.

I wrote the above a couple of days ago.  This happened after I had to go to the hospital (again!) on Monday because I felt like I couldn't breathe.  I had a nebulizer treatment with some funky medicine, and then the doctor and I discussed the fact that I could be experiencing the anxiety disorder again.  I had to agree.  The classic symptoms were there.  I was given an emergency prescription for a five day supply of generic Ativan and another prescription for an Albuterol inhaler, just in case.

Neither of which I filled, because I was unsure if I'd have enough money to buy groceries this weekend if I bought the medicines.

So I started digging around online to see if I could get (questionably) legal, cheap Paxil.  I figured that Walmart had screwed up my account somehow, which was why I never received my meds.  After frustrating myself to tears with that search, I looked at my Walmart account to see if, maybe, MAYBE, the Paxil was showing up as a prescription.  Son of a bitch.  It was.  I placed an order.  I'm still waiting for them to process it.  I hope it goes through.  I need it.  Desperately.

I was doing better.  Honestly, I was.  I was fine until yesterday.  Then some things happened.  Things being separate billing for the doctors who saw me in the ER the first time, and a radiology bill.  $666 (HAHAHAHAHA) and $48, respectively.  I pretty much just went into meltdown mode.

How much can one person take with life shitting on her?  Yes, I'm well aware that other people have it WAY worse than me, but Christ.  This is ridiculous.  I'm going to have to get my in-laws involved so we can get some relief.  I'm going to have to listen to what a horrible person I am, and how come we can't afford to pay our bills, and why the hell don't I have insurance and what the hell do you spend your money on......it just goes on.  It's almost not worth it to bother with them.  Hell, I'd rather face down debt collectors.

I feel so sick inside, like I just want to puke up vital organs.

I haven't been sleeping well, either.  More terrible dreams, more worrying, more flipping out about shit I can't control......it's all taking a toll on me.

I really just want to cry now, but I can't, because I'm solo parenting, and my boy is still awake.  I'm just playing cool Mommy while he is lucid.  I'm good at playing cool and hiding my emotions.  I'm a goddamned pro, even when I just want to throw a massive tantrum like a two year old.  Can't let the world see the rage and frustration I really have, lest I be accused of being an overemotional psycho.

I am thirty two years old and completely unfit to be in any capacity of society.  I've failed as a wife, I've failed as a mother, and I've failed as an adult.

These are the times I just want to run away, disappear, hide under a rock, in a cave, whatever.

This is why I need to be medicated.

Fuck.