Shriek Of The Ovaries

I have babies on the mind. Seriously. I can't stop thinking about having another little Chinksican running around. I keep dreaming about being pregnant, of holding another child in my arms. When I wake up and realize that I'm dreaming, I feel sort of let down and disappointed, especially when my dream self had already named the beautiful baby girl in her arms. It's not even a name I would have ever picked in a million years, but it was perfect for this dark haired, blue-eyed (WTF? That would be a hard explanation) baby girl with the dimples: Lucia.

It's not that I CAN'T have a baby right now. I could if I said "fuck it" to all rationality and just plunged ahead into pregnancy. However, my husband is sort of adamant that we get straightened out with finances and such. Yeah, that would probably help. Money is handy when you have kids, and right now, we are really struggling. Hell, I have to make sure I have enough money to pay for school pictures next week. But I digress.....

I know that if I were to get pregnant or even plan a pregnancy, I would have to stop all my meds. I have been on Paxil and Xanax since 2008, and while I would probably be fine if I weaned myself off of them, I'm still scared. I don't want those old feelings to come back. I don't want to be freaked out every minute of every day. I'm pretty sure there are alternatives to what I'm taking now, but I don't know. That is a big problem to deal with, and something I would definitely have to talk over with my doctor.

Then there is my health and my weight. I'm perfectly fine.....except the weight. I would say that that wouldn't even be a problem because I was fat when I was pregnant with my son, but I was also younger then. And I weigh more now. I know that there are women who have had healthy pregnancies at my weight (or even higher), but I'm afraid to risk it, afraid that something would happen to me or the hypothetical baby. So I must, MUST, lose more weight before I get pregnant.

Finally, I'm not sure how my son would react. He says he wants a brother or sister, but you know that only lasts until the kid is actually here. I remember how I felt when my sister was born, and my son and this hypothetical baby would be about the same years apart as my sister and I. She was fun for the first few months, then got annoying (sorry, dear). It wasn't until later in life that we both got along better, and found common ground.

These are all logical reasons to postpone the second child. It just isn't working on convincing my heart.