Temptation, Boredom, Or Something More?

As I noted in my last post, I had an issue with debt that my in-laws are now paying for. It is not something I am proud of at all. I ran up almost $2000 on my credit card. Six months ago, my mother-in-law had graciously said that she would pay the card off when the APR kicked in this November. At the time, the amount was less than $1500 and I was paying a hefty chunk of change on it so she wouldn’t have to pay too much. However, I underestimated my compulsion to spend. It is now November, and my in-laws are paying for my folly.

My psychologist and I discussed this on Saturday and tried to figure out why I did it. I told her that I spent here and there, small amounts, but in the end, they added up and I was left with that stunning balance. She questioned if it felt like something akin to what I feel when I overeat. I acknowledged that, yes, it did feel like that: a total sense of ‘who cares, I’m going to do it, it doesn’t matter’. I said that it also happens when I’m bored. I noted that many times when I looked for something to do with my son, the first things were to 1. Go to Borders and buy books; or 2. Go to Walgreens and the supermarket, browse, and usually wind up walking out with one or two unnecessary items. I stressed to her that I felt really bad about the whole thing and that I’m sure my in-laws despise me even more now, and she said quite bluntly that they probably do because I’ve established myself as a liability.

Now please don’t think that I hate my psychologist for saying that or that she was too harsh with me. It was exactly what I needed: for someone to just say it out loud. She didn’t say it in a rude way or anything. She was just very matter of fact about it all. It resonated with me the whole day. I know to my family I seemed quite melancholy on Saturday, but really, I was just musing on what my psychologist had said and weighing my past spending actions. However, I discovered that my spending may not be all boredom, and may actually be rooted in some sort of weird compulsive disorder.

After seeing my psychologist, we had to take a few things to the Goodwill. Usually when we go to the Goodwill, we make a day of it, go out, go eat somewhere, go shopping (there we go again!), and then come home, full of food and guilt for spending money we don’t have. The spending was usually prompted by me, my husband being a person of admirable frugality. This time, we went, took the stuff to Goodwill, and were on our way home, when I asked my husband to stop at a store. I don’t know, I just felt drawn to doing so. It was like I couldn’t stop myself. Knowing that we are now on a strict budget and that his parents are watching our every financial move (their right to do so, considering how many times they have bailed us out), he was wary of taking this action. I insisted, saying that I wanted to walk a bit. So we did.

Now at this point you’re probably rolling your eyes and thinking that I spent a crapload of money on stupid stuff. You’d be wrong. I didn’t. That’s not to say I wasn’t tempted. Oh, I was, so very, very much. My son wanted a tin of holiday popcorn that was $5.99. I wanted the tin because….well, I don’t know. Just to say I bought something. My husband had gone to the restroom, so I allowed my son to put the tin in the cart. When he came back, I asked about getting it. He was hesitant, obviously. I wondered aloud if we could somehow get it without my in-laws knowing (more deception on my part…will I ever learn?), but he was still digging in his heels about it. Then I just sort of snapped out of it, I guess. I realized what I was trying to do. It was wrong and dumb. So I told my son to put the tin back. Then I marched out of the store without even looking at anything else. It was hard to do, even though I realized how idiotic it would be to spend money we don’t have.

Sunday passed without incident. I was rather proud of myself for mustering up my inner voice to yell at me about spending. This is the same inner voice that yells at me about overeating. I guess she’ll be pulling double duty from now one. Anywho, we come up to today. I was SO tempted to take my wallet with me when I went to pick up my son from school. I did a marathon cleaning session yesterday and felt like I wouldn’t be able to fix him lunch, so I would get him Subway. I left my wallet behind. The consequences right now are just too much, even though my son is very cute when he asks me if I brought my wallet (his not so subtle way of asking for Subway). I came home and made him lunch, even though I feel like someone slammed me around and my mind was fighting with itself about not being able to spend money.

This is not an easy thing to deal with. I’m pissed at myself for what I did. I’m pissed at my mind for leading me down such a rocky path. I’m sad that my in-laws probably think less of me now, more so than they did before. It is just such a shitty thing, and I have no one to blame but myself. This isn’t a pity party, though. I don’t expect sympathy at all, and would be rather pleased if people would just yell at me for being dumbth. Maybe writing about it will make it easier to cope with when I get that urge to buy things we don’t need.